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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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ira bloke went to heaven
"sorry you cant come in,you was in the ira"sez the angel "oi dont want to come in ,im giving you 5 minutes to get out" |
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did you you hear about the irish abortion clinic??
got fined £500 and had the ferrett confiscated!!!! |
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I heard theres a 10 month waiting list for abortions in Ireland.
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Haha
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I no longer see my wife and kids and it's all because of gambling.
I won **** loads of money and moved to Spain. |
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2 paddies walking along,1 finds a mirror and looks in it,
"you know ,i know this guy but i cant put a name to him!!!" his mate takes it off him,looks in it and says, "you idiot,its me!!!" |
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a tortoise knocks on a blokes door and asks for a drink of water
the bloke shouts "f-off,picks up the tortoise and throws it as hard as he could 2 years later theres a knock on the chaps door and the tortoise is stood their "what did you do that for?" |
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A twin-engined plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ... "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne". Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'". "Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?" Again silence. "C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?" Silence. A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?" She replied, "Yes son but for the purpose of this exercise we is N*ggers. Let them do the Muslims first". |
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I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet.
But only for about 30 seconds |
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I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship. |
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I threw my cat into a swimming pool filled with milk.
He did a few laps. |
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When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider.
Just to hear the words "Oh my God, it's huge!" |
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a journalist decides to do an article on hillbillies.he went to a remote ranch and sat down with a real rough type.
"tell me some thing thats made you happy"said the journo to the hillbilly "well,the 15 year old girl from the ranch next door went missing,we got a posse together,and when we found her we all sh@gged her!" "oh dear,thats horrid"said the journo,"tell me summat else thats made you happy" "well,a cow went missing so we got a posse together and when we found it we all sh@gged it,that made me happy!" "oooo,thats even worse,tell me something that made you sad instead",said the journalist, "well i got lost once" said the hillbilly  |
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RMB thats diff class !
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a kid was playing wearing his dads welding mask when a paedo comes up to him
"ever seen a c#nt?,do you like t~ts?,do you like sha#ging?" said the pervert!! the kid says,"im not a real welder you know" |
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a sweet little girl was playing when a pervert came up to her
"do you want to come with me and see some kittens?" said the perv "only if you show me your c#ck first"said the girl |
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I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it, but you don’t get offers like that every day.
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BBC SPORT: Kilmarnock interested in Belgian defender Mark de Man.
Apparently, they are also interested in his compatriots, striker Skor de Gaulle and goalkeeper Bloek de Schott. |
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Arsene Wenger is expected to be making many more signings in the near future.
Every two weeks at the job centre. |
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A survey has shown that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
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My wife says 'Strike when the iron's hot'
I tell her 'Iron when the iron's hot' |
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"I can't remember where I parked the car!" she said.
"Don't panic love.... Just look round for a small gathering of men slowly shaking their heads and tutting." |
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Large crystal ball for sale.
£40, but you will knock me down to £35. |
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21 Economic models...as explained with cows
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the hell out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy.... AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. |
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I decided to agree with my wife once.
Turns out we were wrong. |
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Arsene Wenger: "I won't quit"
That's not the French spirit. |
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Son: "What's algebra?"
Dad: "Something you take off a mermaid so you can play with her t*ts." |
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If sex between three people is called a Threesome and sex between two people is called a Twosome...
Then why is Handsome still a compliment? |
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The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."
A time traveller walks into a bar. |
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I just watched a film about a couple who bought a haunted yoghurt.
It's called Paranormal Activia. |
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I've worked out why women ask so many questions.
They have a "why " chromosome. |
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A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yes, I know." Dentist: "So why did you come in here?" Man: "The light was on..." |
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someone in Asda started throwing milk and cheese at me today........how Dairy
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I tried to speed up my racing snail by removing his shell.... all to no avail though... If anything it's made him more sluggish!
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!" |
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Girl says to Paddy... "Would you like a ****?"
Paddy says.."I don't know.. Would it affect my dole money?" |
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Girl says to Paddy... "Would you like a bl0w j0b?"
Paddy says.."I don't know.. Would it affect my dole money?" |
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bigmo . time traveller....almost tears mate...
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i met a drunken bloke in milan,i said
"i tiddly itie" |
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a lorry load of cream collided with a lorry load of jam,
the roads a trifle slippy! |