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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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BBC News: India has condemned "racist and bigoted" remarks by a New Zealand TV Presenter who made fun on Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dik**** surname, Can't think why...
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I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married.
I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? |
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Just seen Gavin from Autoglass in McDonalds.
So nervous when I got his autograph, I said 'I didn't think you liked chips'. |
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A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in." |
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bob geldof,the pope,stevie wonder and a boy scout in a plane and the plane is losing height!
the problem being there are only 3 parachutes the pope says to geldof,"take a parachute my son" geldof replies",but father,i cant take a chute in front of you,your the leader of the catholic church" "take a chute,you saved all those dying africans my son",says the pope! geldof takes a chute and jumps out pope says to stevie wonder,"take a chute my son" "but father,i cant take a chute in front of the leader of the church" "take a chute,you give pleasure to millions with your music my son"says the pope! stevie takes a chute and jumps pope says to the boy scout,"take a chute my son" "but father,there is only 1 left,i cant take it in front of you your holiness" "its ok",says the pope,"i gave the blind n#gger a rucksack" |
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a bloke goes in a pub with a funny looking dog
"thats a weird looking dog,what is it?" says the barman "a mongol" sez bloke! "dont you mean mongrel?" sez barman "no a mongol,GET DOWN SYNDROME",sez bloke[:(][:(][:(][:(][:(] |
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a bloke had an eppeleptic fit
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a bloke had an eppeleptic fit outside blackpool pleasure beach
2 irish kids jumped on him! thought it was a new ride |
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irishman made an abusive phonecall
rang a number and stuck 2 fingers up |
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a bloke goes to doctors with a poorly toe
"you have v.d of the toe" says the doc "is that unusual?" the chap says "not really,we had a woman in with atheletes c#nt this morning!!!" |
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another bloke goes to docs with a bad toe
"you have aids on your toe" says the doc "how the hell have i got that?"says the chap "are you gay?" the doc replies "i feckin aint,if i see any ****s i kick em up the ars e!!!  |
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i took a rubber doll back to the sex shop
"this fecker keeps going down on me",i said the shopkeeper sez, "thats an extra £20 then" |
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geezer at the doctors being told that hes got a germ with a 9 year incubaysion period
"now" says the doc "have you any idear where you might have picked it up mmm....................it must have those magazines in the waiting room |
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Dear Deirdre
Twice now I have walked in on my husband masturbating in the bathroom. What should I do Janice,knock |
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The first commandment states: "I am the lord your god you shall have no other Gods but me."
The first two deadly sins are: "Vanity & Envy" F*cking Hypocrite! |
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I was hit in the head with a Werthers.
I thought, thats original. |
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After there were very small crowd numbers at the commonwealth games, thousands of Indian school children have been given free tickets. Unfortunately, none of them have been able to get time off work to go.
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I'm going into hospital tomorrow to undergo a risky medical procedure. I spoke to my surgeon earlier to explain that I was a little nervous, but he reassured me.
"There's only a 1 in 100 chance of anything going seriously wrong", he said. "Besides, I've done 99 of these operations before and they've all been fine". |
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I said to my mate i'm going into hospital to be circumcised tomorow. he said i had it done when i was 4 months old.
did it hurt? He said i couldn't walk for 12 months!! |
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'With great power, comes a great electricity bill.'
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A woman stopped me in the street and asked why I was wearing sunglasses.
"I'm blind," I replied. "Oh, I see," she said. "F*ck off, don't rub it in." |
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you" |
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. |
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i said to my doctor,"every time i have a **** it comes out like chips,can you cure me"
he said "yes,im going to cut 6 inches off your string vest!" |
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a polish guy arrives in dover and finds a lamp on the beach
he rubs the lamp and a genie comes out "you can have 3 wishes"said the genie "i want loads of money"says the pole! a big cloud of smoke goes up and there in front of him is millions "i want a big house" a big cloud of smoke and there on the sea front is a magnificent mansion! "i want to be english"says the pole a big cloud of smoke and the money and the house dissapears!!! |
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problems with the electric chair in america so they bring in an irish electrician
"its a good job you called me,that things a death trap" said paddy!!! |
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i told my wife id got some flavoured condoms to try
that night she went down the covers "ermmmm,cheese and onion"she said "silly cow,i aint got one on yet", i sez |
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I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches |
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Two stunning Lesbians broke into my house and stormed into the bedroom and started molesting my wife.
I tried to fight them off but all I managed to do was knock one out. |
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i was going to start a paranoia society but i thought someone was trying to stop me
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the muslim kids next door challenged me to a water fight but they got fed up when i was waiting for the kettle to boil
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i think my phone lines crossed with a lighthouse
every time i pick the phone up this voice says,"is the coast clear?" |
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i said to this pirate ,"how much were your earings?"
he said a dollar each" i said "thats not bad for a buckaneer"  |
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an hedgehog said to his mate,"im having problems crossing the road"
"do what i do,when you see a car coming make sure you get in between the headlights"sez his mate poor fecker got killed by a reliant robin!!! |
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a yorkshireman went to the docs
"eeee,i dont feel too grand,iv got a bad stomach"he says the doc explains that most stomach problems are caused by the bowels and tells him to drop his clouts and bend over. the doc sees a five pound note sticking out of the tykes bum and pulls it and it comes out followed by another,then another etc! after five minutes the do says "i cant beleive it,theres one thousand,nine hundred and ninety five pounds bi stuck up your jacksy" "i told thee i didnt feel too grand"sez the chap |
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gary glitters just launched his own brand of swimming trunks called spaedos
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i went for a drink with a scottish paedo, he said,"i"ll have a wee tot"
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scientists have crossed an avon lady with a millwall fan
she rings on your doorbell then kicks f#ck out of you!! |
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police raided michael jacksons house
they found class A drugs in the kitchen,class B drugs in the bathroom,and the whole of class c in the bedroom |
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what do you call a bloke in a parka with short arms?
a thalidamod  |