Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
went with an irish prostitute the other day,
she paid me £20!!! |
|
By:
Really enjoy your jokes Sultan.
 |
|
By:
a cowboy goes into a saloon,has a few pints then says to the barman,"wheres the toilets?"
"theres a big pile of s#it out the back,just go to the top and do it their!" the cowboy climbs to the top and stats having a crap a chap shouts from another pile,"howday stranger" "how do you know im a stranger?"sez the cowboy "cos your in the ladies!!" |
|
By:
likewise bigmo
|
|
By:
what does it say on ted moults gravestone?
"everest in peace" |
|
By:
ted moult was barred from his local!the landlord said,
"your always shooting your feckin mouth off" |
|
By:
gary glitters going to america on holiday
well,he told me he was going to tampa with the kids!! |
|
By:
i went out with a chinese girl
one night i asked her for a 69 and got special fried rice 15 minutes later!! |
|
By:
an irishman went to the doctors and said ,"wherever i touch myself on my body im in agony!"
"show me" said the doc the paddy touches his head and screams,touches his arm and screams louder,touches his leg and crys in agony!!! "stop,stop" sez the doc"let me examine you" after 5 minutes the doc sez,"i think i know whats wrong!!" "what is it?" sez the paddy "youv broke your finger" |
|
By:
three celtic fans go into a bar
a priest,a paedo,and a alcholic and thats just the 1st one!!!!! |
|
By:
tina turners biggest fan meets her and she says to him,
"i hear you never miss any of my concerts,youv got all my records,and you follow me all over the world,as a special treat im going to make love to me!!!" the chap says,"i cant believe it,iv been your biggest fan for years,this is a dream come true!!" they start making love and the chap whispers to tina, "can you tickle my balls with your right hand?" "no probs" she says and can you put the middle finger of you right hand up my bum" "ok" she sez they finish and the chaps over the moon,he sez,"i cant believe iv just made love to tina turner!" "can i ask you,why did you wanted me to tickle your balls with one hand and put my finger up your arse with the other"sez tina "oh that,its just that the last time i sh#gged a n#gger she nicked my wallet!!" |
|
By:
An old couple are having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!" |
|
By:
As I lay there, I gazed lovingly at what was in bed with me.
Dark, sweet and a great body. I love Cabernet Sauvignon. |
|
By:
keep em coming bigmo!
|
|
By:
A dyslexic man walks into a Bra!
|
|
By:
In a newly built, modern hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." |
|
By:
i feel very sneeky and bad for putting them pills in my grans dinner
but if i ever got her pregnant |
|
By:
In an interview on Sky Sports, Fernando Torres talked of his goals this season...
He said "I want to start a family and move back to Spain." |
|
By:
My wife came down this morning and said "Hey sexy, I found these sexy new crotchless undies in your wardrobe, I'm wearing them for you now. Wanna fool around?"
I said "No I bloody don't and take my new vest off you fat cow" |
|
By:
^
|
|
By:
|
|
By:
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor." |
|
By:
They say childbirth is the most painful thing a human being can be subjected to.
Pft Try being marginally offside on FIFA 11 |
|
By:
News flash : a lesbian has just been rushed into hospital after bedding 57 women in a week........she's now being treated for an overdose of crack!!
|
|
By:
Did you hear about that new movie called "Constipation"?
No? ........... That's because it hasn't come out yet... |
|
By:
Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where i come from'.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty more of those where i come from'. Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train..... |
|
By:
A guy was sitting at a bar when his friend asked
"Frank, what would you do if you came home and found a guy humping your wife?" "I'd break his white cane, trash his wheelchair and call the home he escaped from! " |
|
By:
i watched as the other woman inserted her fingers into my wife
understandably i decicided to have a w*nk..... midwives eh no sense of humour at all..,........ |
|
By:
i went to a funeral yesterday with my new girlfriend it was the first time i had met her family.
Talk about miserable bast*rds....... |
|
By:
Just been to the Doctors to get my results back about a lump I have.
He said "do you want the good news or the bad news?" I said "good news." He said "I really think you'd look good in a bandana." |
|
By:
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
|
|
By:
Did you know there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But he loves you |
|
By:
why are parking spaces like girls at parties.....
because if you get there late all the best ones are taken so when no ones looking you stick it in the disabled one |
|
By:
Egg and bacon in a frying pan.
Egg turns to the bacon, and says 'It's getting hot in here isn't it'. The bacon looks surprised, and says 'Fook me, a talking egg!' |
|
By:
just found these....sorry if any already posted.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ********* A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ************ I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. ************* Dear Technical Support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, here are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself. Any help on this matter would be most gratefully received. ******************** SUCCESS At age 4 success is: not peeing in your pants At age 12 success is: having friends. At age 16 success is: having a driver’s licence. At age 30 success is: having money. At age 60 success is: having money. At age 70 success is: having a driver’s licence At age 80 success is: having friends. At age 90 success is: not peeing in your pants. |
|
By:
bigmo 08 Sep 11 09:50
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." i did use summat like it to a mate "l had an all night sex session, last night" "did your wrist ache?" |
|
By:
The History Channel.
The only channel a Liverpool supporter ever joys watching. |
|
By:
There was a Scottishman, an Englishman and an Irishman and they were on the run from the Nazis.
They run into an alleyway and hide inside three large sacks. A Nazi officer, upon finding the three suspicious looking sacks, kicks the first one. The Scottishman inside barks like a dog, and the Nazi continues. He kicks the second sack, and the Englishman meows like a cat. The officer, shrugged his shoulders, thinking that it was odd to have two sacks of animals in an alleyway, but continued to the third sack just the same. He gave the third sack a swift boot on the side, to which the Irishman responds with a huge, bellowing "potatoes" |
|
By:
Was feeling suicidal last night and phoned the Samaritans. They were busy, and just left me hanging on the line.
|
|
By:
According to a recent poll, 90% of men in Liverpool have had sex in the showers.
The other 10% have not been to prison. |