Chit Chat
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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Today I saw a sign that made me p*ss myself...Toilets Closed
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tumble weed smiley needed
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Spent £40 on ebay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bast*rds sent me a magnifying glass. |
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If a man talks in a forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
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Julius Caesar walked into a bar. He said to the bartender, "I'd like a martinus." The bartender, a little confused, says, don't you mean a martini?" Caesar replied, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it."
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There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
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A teacher at a school for obese children has been sacked for taking cocaine. He was given away by his massive pupils.
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An insecure friend of mine said the other day, "everyone hates me!"
"Don't be daft," I reassured him. "Everyone hasn't met you yet..." |
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A woman goes to a gynaecologist. Whilst examining her, the doctor asks, "So, have you ever had a check up here before?" She replies, "No, but I have had some Germans and an Austrian."
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Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers...
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I see Birmingham is getting ready for the Olympics. The town centre is full of people wandering around in tracksuits, taking drugs and struggling to speak English....
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Today i brought some sausages from sainsburys they had a picture of jaime oliver on them and on the back it says prick with a fork,thought cant argue with that.
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My gran joined a local help group for old people with arthritis and rheumatism. She soon left though - it was too clicky.
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
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the other day i brought some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went to the lake district,walked for about 5 miles then sat on a wall and had a flask of coffee,then walked for another 5 miles and stopped and had a biscuit and then I.....sorry im rambling
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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"In English", he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." |
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” |
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Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.
As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral. The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?" |
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Young boy sat in class scratchin his crotch. Teacher asked him what’s wrong. Embarrased, he said he’d just been circumcised & was itchy. Teacher told him to go & ring his mum for advice. He comes back with his **** hangin out! Teacher asks “what on earth are you doing”? “Well miss, mum said if I could stick it out til lunchtime she’d come & get me”
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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give ****s !" "****s!", the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more ****s for her ! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied," If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone." |
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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
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A penguin walks into a bar and says to to the barman
“Have you seen my brother?” … and the barman replies “No, what does he look like?” |
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Knock knock,
Who's there? Grandad . . ****, stop the funeral! |
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2 irishmen worked in a woodyard
one day they were larkin around and murphy slipped and cut his arm off on the circular saw! paddy picked up murphs arm ,put it in a plastic bag and rushed him to hospital. "dont worry,im the best surgeon in the whole of ireland" said the doctor when they arrived,"come back in 1 hour" paddy went back 1 hour later and to his amazement there was murphy in the cafe arm wrestling with another patient!!! the doctor proudly boasted "i told you im the best" next day in the woodyard the pair of em f##kin about again,murphy slips and cuts his leg off on the saw! paddy picks the leg up,puts it in a plastic bag and rushes him to hospital "dont worry,im the best surgeon"boasts the doc!!, "come back in 1 hour" paddy goes back 1 hour later and cant believe it when he finds murphy sprinting up and down the ward!! "i told you im the best" boasted the doc! next day at work,the 2 feckin around again  murphy slips and chops his head off on the saw!!paddy acts quick,picks up murphs head, puts it in the bag and rushes him to hospital!1 "dont worry,im the best surgeon,come back in 1 hour" was the boast! paddy goes back 1 hour later and says to the doc,"where is he then?" the doc says,"im sorry,your mates died!!!" paddy says,"oh no,!was the operation a bit difficult then?" the surgeon said, "oh no,it wasnt that!, the plastic bag you put his head in suffocated him!!"  |
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good ones lads |
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Stopped off at a motorway service station yesterday. Picked up some sandwiches, a Mars bar and a can of Coke. Went to the payout and apologised that I only had a £20 note. The cashier replied it's alright you can put the Mars bar back.
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A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the man starts farting continuously.
"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl. "It's the dog," proclaims the guy. "Don't blame dog," she replies, "it was cooked perfectly." |
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I have sex twice a week at 83
But dont tell the wife,cos we live at 65 and it's a bit close to home. |
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So, the personalised registration of the Popemobile is SCV 1.
Someone suggested that stood for "Strong Catholic Values". I suggested "Stealing Children's Virginity". And that your honour is when the priest started hitting me with the collection plate |
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I found some insect legs today,
they were the bees knees |
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beacuse of the credit crunch, i have been buying meatballs from the korean supermarket.............there the dogs bollox's
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i was going to file my nails...........then i thought, na whats the point in keeping them!!
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
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Avram Grant will miss today's game at Stoke because he is observing Yom Kippur
I've heard he is a good player |
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If I like white sugar and I like brown sugar, does that make me ambidextrose ?
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hear about the ausssie masochist?
got done for beating around the bush! |
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,, Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. |
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little Disney chit chat :
Mickey : Minie, i want the divorce!!! Minnie : What?? are you f*ck*ing crazy??? Mickey : no, i´m F*k*ing Daisy! |