i went to a prostitute and asked,
"how much for kinky sex?"

"£50 she said",

"ok,thats ok "sez me

"im just going to freshen up"sez the bird

5 minutes later,out she comes

"yer moneys on the sideboard,im off" i said!

"what!,your paying £50 and doing nowt?"


"doing nowt?.iv sh#t in your handbag"

fred west was at the doctors

the doc said,"mr west im afraid to tell you that you have aids!!!"


fred replies," **** me, you cant even trust your own kids nowdays"

'Doctor, doctor, I keep hearing funny voices from my trousers!'

'Don't worry they're just talking bollocks.'

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor..
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.."

ttt

A Police officer has confirmed the arrest of Kermit the frog after finding thousands of naked pictures of Miss Piggy.

He said it the worst case of frog's porn he has ever seen.

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If you have a satnav, and are driving in the Arctic Circle beware.
Bear Left is not necessesarlly a direction.

I had just written a large cheque to a third world charity, I then thought about those unfortunate people on my own doorstep. I tore the cheque up and ordered a new fence.

Ok here's the worst joke you'll ever here

Two cats have a swimming race aross the English Channel, one English, the other French.

The English cat is called "One two three", the French cat is called "Un deux trois".

Which cat wins...?

The English cat.

Why...?

Because Un deux trois cat sank…

I was driving past a field the other day and I saw a scarecrow trying to have a w*nk! Then I thought to myself: that ****'s clutching at straws.

How do you make a scarecrow bark?



Apply petrol and a naked flame and it goes Whooof.

I just got hit on the head with a box of Omega 3 capsules. I'm OK, I just got super fish oil injuries

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter,
do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you
want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute
wittle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: " I don't
fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fella talking to his mates " it was the best day of my life - it was a lovely sunny day when I arrived a bit late at the church - the organ was playing - the two families were seated on each side of the church - my wife was already at the alter - I went down and kissed her on the cheek - and then I shut the **** lid "
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two pregnant irsh women are knitting for there babies, the first says, 'I hope I'm having a boy, I've used blue wool' to which the other replies ' I hope I'm having a spastic, I've fukked up the arms!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fella has a round of golf with his wife. Comes to the second hole where he hits a bad drive - not out of bounds but behind a barn used for course equipment. Doesn't look to have a shot on but his wife noticed that the barn had two open windows on either side through which you could see the green. She said why dont you go for it - saves dropping a shot. Fella agrees and gets his five iron out. Hits the ball through the first window but it catches the side of a door and rebounds back through the window hitting his wife full on the head , killing her outright.

twelve months later the fella is playing the same course with his mate and unbelievably on the second hole ends up in an identical position behind the barn. His mate says why dont you hit it through the windows on opposite sides of the barn you've got nothing to lose . Fella says " no chance - last time I was in this position I took a fukcin 10.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you spot a chinese prostitute in Morecambe? Shes the one in the fishnets
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum one.. His dad smirks & throws a pillow at the door saying " get outta here you little sh"t"

a couple of hours later dad hears a commotion coming from johnnys bedroom.. he goes up to find johnny giving his grandma one...

johnny smiles....." not so funny when its your mum is it.. ? "
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would
regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:    Always keep your condoms in your car.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa,
look at the size of that f*cker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry
father,but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes
the
fish back to church.

"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is Gods house," replies the bishop.

"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker
and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior. "Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks
her.

"My, what language!" She exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the
bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful,
I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back
on
his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours
himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You **** are alright."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic." Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge. "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waist line that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"



So I told her to **** off.

My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death - the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

my wife has just told me her mum has died...............what a perfect time to be chopping onions.

what do you get if you cross a pig with a telephone ??








a lot of crackling on the line [;)]

thankfully the bloke who got eaten by a shark in the seychelles didnt suffer much...... hed only been married 10 days..

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little ****." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"