Walked past my fridge just now and thought I heard the BeeGees singing inside, but when I opened the door it was just a chive talking

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle, For example when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features enough to make you go wow. However when she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in petrol & set on fire with scissors sticking out of his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!

Tottenham have just signed a new player Grabatelli

chap goes into hmv and says to the assistant,

"im an expert on wasps and i hear theres a new record out with wasp noises on it"

aassistant says "thats correct sir put on these headphones and i will put it on for you"

5 minutes later the chap comes out and says,"well im an expert but i didnt recognise one sound!!!"

assistant takes a look and says,


"ooooo,i am sorry,thats the bee side!!!"


(sorry in advance)

Don’t worry but I am in A & E. apparently the new Dyson ball cleaner isn’t what I thought.

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk

^ brilliant!

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk



Police cordoned off Liverpool this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a house.

It later turned out to be a Pay Slip.

Got this on FB, sorry if it's been posted above, I haven't read this thread in a few days :

The Rioters Prayer

Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Chavdom come, read it in the sun, in Birmingham , as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our ASBO's, as we happy slap those who got us our ASBO's against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Chavdom, the Burberry & the Barcardi, forever and ever...Innit !!!

I saw a black guy carrying a tv down the street last week so I smashed him over the head with a shovel. I'd just like to take this opportunity to apologise to Argos and wish their driver a speedy recovery

My lesbian neighbours must be loaded.

They told me that they eat out every night.

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......

I spent three months in Capri this summer, to finish my book.
I'm a very slow reader.

attt

Dear Deidre, I was watching my next door neighbor's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.

As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms
folded, watching me.....Is she a pervert?

A man goes to a psychiatrist. ‘You’ve got to help me,’ says the man. ‘I can’t stop deep-frying things in batter. I get up in the morning and deep-fry my boiled egg. I’ve deep-fried all my clothes and shoes. I’ve even deep-fried my bike and battered the cat! What’s wrong with me?’ ‘It’s obvious,’ replies the psychiatrist. ‘You’re frittering your life away.’

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!”

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.


No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"




Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died.
I'm married to his f***ing' widow."

It's three years on Monday since I lost my wife...  it was on a pair of aces. She was so ugly that the next day the bloke who won her rang to say "I've got to tell you I cheated, take her back." I said "So did I, keep her."

The missus said "I want you out, you do nothing to help and are the laziest man I've ever known - pack your bags." I said "You pack them."

I went to my ex-girlfriend's funeral at the weekend and met her parents for the first time. Miserable pair of f*ckers.

A bloke walks into a newsagents and says to the big busted assistant "Can I have 20 filter tits please love?" She gives him a dirty look and he says "Oh I'm so sorry, I meant 20 filter tips" and rushed out of the shop, extremely embarrassed. He says to his mate "God that was embarrasing, I just asked that girl for filter tits instead of filter tips." "Oh don't worry about that", says his mate, "that's called sublimitation, it's when you inadvertently say something your thinking but don't want to say. Actually the very same thing happened to me this morning, I came and sat down to breakfast and I meant to say to the wife 'Could you pass me the milk please darling' but it came out as 'You f*cking fat ugly slag, you've ruined my life'."

Over the past few months, my girlfriend has turned into a bit of a fitness freak. She's at the gym six days out of seven and never stops working out. It's actually got beyond a joke now, as I think she's taking steroids. The other night she came in from the gym, pinned me down and **** me up the arse with her clitoris.

An English tourist was in the USA, chatting to a Red Indian chief. He asked the chief what his wife was called. The chief replied "Five Horses". "Five Horses," says the tourist "thats an unusual name, why is she called that?" "Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag." replied the chief.

Alzheimers protest march...

"What do we want?"
"**** knows"
"When do we want it?"
"Want what?"

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association

I was thinking the other day about how I've never seen a muslim man drink 10 pints at the office Christmas party and then offer to fight everyone, and I've never seen a muslim woman lift up her burka, flash her tits and piss in the street. Isn't it about time they learned how to integrate?