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These so-called speed bumps are a joke.
If anything, they slow you down |
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came home from work the other night and the wife offered to slip into something that I might like......so I asked if a coma was possible!
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If Barbie's so popular how come you have to buy all her friends ?
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I was out walking the other day when a passer by threw a piece of cheese at me! I thought " that's not very mature!"
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All this stuff about the anniversary of the end of the war reminds me of my Grandads great tales of war heroism.....
His favourite way of boring me was telling me how he was the first off the boats at the Normandy landings That's true said my dad but he got off at Southampton |
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40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' God says 'We are over quota on Gypsies . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God. 'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?' 'No, the Pearly gates'. |
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. |
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I really admire people who keep going even though they are in huge amounts of debt.
They deserve a lot of credit. |
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After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment
of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out privately while visiting friends in Brighton, where the nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection." said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection," said the man. "No, but I have,"replied the nurse. |
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Today I was watching an advert which showed a fat ****, siting on the sofa, moaning.
Only then I realized that my TV wasn't even on and it was nothing more than my own reflection. |
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The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable
But they expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones |
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Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till
His defence was that his Dad had told him to go in and "get a black and decker" |
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The city announced today that Marks and Spencer will be merged with Poundstretcher.
The new store will called Stretch Marks. |
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Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life.
Paddy said " I want to try the wheelbarrow position tonight" His wife asked "What's that?" Paddy told her "You bend over, put your hands on the floor, then I pick your legs up and take you from behind ! " His wife said Hmm okay, I'll do it on two conditions: First, if it hurts, you stop immediately, and second, we don't go down past my mothers house |
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A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- £99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the £99 cruise special, please." The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the £99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year." |
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My uncle had a rabbits foot for 30 years. His other foot was quite normal.
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away.... But in my experience, so does an air rifle.
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What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common? The same middle name.
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Who is big white and square and wears yellow check trousers?
Rupert the Fridge. |
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What do you call a train that goes non-stops through a station
Thomas The Bastard |
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Coming out of tescos the other day,
some guy threw a block of cheddar cheese at me, I thought, that's not very mature. |
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The pill, the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.
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I walked out of a club with a girl last night.
She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine." |
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Gareth Bale becomes the first white player to complain to FIFA due to opposition fans' monkey chants...
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Coming out of tescos the other day,
some guy threw a block of specially aged stilton at me, I thought, that's very mature. |
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When I was out on a date with my girlfriend I asked her what she'd do if she found out that I was really a billionaire.
Without hesitating she replied, "Anal". |
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Coming out of tescos the other day,
some guy threw a bag of babybels at me, I thought, that's very mature. |
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Coming out of tescos the other day,
some guy threw a block of specially aged stilton at me, I thought, that's very mature. My cleaning staff came out of Tesco's the other day with a lump of EDAM, I bent her over and had the MADE backwards.... |
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went in a restaraunt last night,
someone threw a prawn cocktail at me and shouted, "thats just for starters" |
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Lying in bed with Mrs last night I looked in her eyes and said 'seeing your face reminds me to do the lottery.'
With a smile she replied' thats so cute....is it because I'm worth millions to you?' 'No' I said........'I wish you'd f*cking roll over.' |
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I've been married to my wife ten years today.
Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication. I don't know how she does it. |
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as a pal of mine got older ....he realised that he couldent do x words any more ...........................................................the doctor said..................."dont get 2 down"
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What goes "Mark!"? A dog with a hare lip.
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Titus Bramble has been arrested on suspicion of rape.
Well at least we know his defence will be sh*t. |
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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." |
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I've recently started by own home business making yachts in the attic.
Sails have been going through the roof. |
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Have you been injured?
Had a car accident? Fell over on a wet floor at work? Or tripped on an uneven curb? if so.. Sort yourself out you clumsy **** |
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I joined the Reincarnation Society the other day.
I thought, **** it, you only live once. |
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I took a spoon into work today.
It caused quite a stir. |
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A bloke's sitting on the bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breasfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so se says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it this nice man here" Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here"
The bloke says "Listen love, can you make you're bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago !!" |