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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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A man walks into a pub in leicester, barman say's what you want? can i have a wine, the bar goes quiet as the regulars all stare at the newcomer....your not from round here are you, say's the barman? no im from London, im a Taxidermist.What the **** is that he say's you drive taxi's or something? no i mount animals.............Barman turns and say's it's okay folks he is one of us!!!
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Becks' baby girl Harper Seven was evidently named after Posh's favourite magazine and his favourite number. I've never heard of owt more ridiculous, as I said to my youngest, Razzle 69 at breakfast
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I just finished watching a Muslim-gangster film. It was called 'Scarfface'.
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Mrs Brown she went to town
To buy some macaroni She let a f@rt Behind the cart And paralyzed the pony. |
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razzle 69
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Betfair should offer bigmo something for his hard work. A few gems in here!
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an irishman finds a lamp,rubs it and out comes the genie
"you are allowed 1 wish paddy"sez the genie next morning theres a knock on paddys door and the kkk are stood there "are you the guy who wants to be hung like a black man???" |
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The latest toy has hit the shops...
a talking Muslim doll. Nobody knows what the hell it says, because no one has the guts to pull the cord. |
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Bangkok Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
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New movie coming out about the life of Eddie Stobart. I've just seen the trailer.
They reckon he was HGV positive. |
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Came home from work today and the Mrs was upset. Someone had stolen her knickers off the washing line. She wasn't too bothered about the knickers but she would like the twelve pegs back.
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£14 for a full Xmas dinner that feeds three.......that's why Mum's go to Iceland.
£10 for an 18 year old bouncing on your c*ck all day.........that's why Dads go to Thailand!! |
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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked." |
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My dad sat me down, brought the laptop in and said, "Son, I think it's time to talk to you about pornography."
"What about it?" I replied. "How the hell can I get past the filters without your mum knowing?" |
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A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sat down, another man came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "No," the first man replied. "The seat is empty." "That's incredible!" said the second man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?!?" The first man said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that," replied the second man. "That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The first man shook his head. "No, they're all at her funeral."
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I saw a French bloke last week with 3 lions on his shirt.
God, I love Longleat. |
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Not using the doorbell has a significant knock on effect.
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I got caught stealing full stops.
I'm looking at a lengthy sentence. |
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One of my ex girlfriends keeps coming round..........That'll teach me to use cheap chloroform
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The world's newest country was formed yesterday.
South Sudan has already gone ahead of Scotland in the Fifa world rankings. |
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Female drivers:
The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street. |
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Great thread,hope it continues.Thx to all contributors.
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If you want good service in France don't ask in French - tell them in German.
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Fella meets an old mate in a bar. Fella says" how's it going Eddie, long time no see. Eddie says" not too bad Charlie, not long lost the wife."
Charlie says" Oh my god, sorry to hear that mate" Eddie says " Ye - what a game of cards that was." |
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Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a
light bulb? A. Two, one to screw in the light bulb and one to hold my pen1s; I mean the ladder. |
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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his a*s up with that blanket before he catches a cold." |
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?" |
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Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.
She said, "If you help me find it I will let you f*ck my fanny all night." I said, "What does it look like?" She said, "It's a big, black, fluffy thing." I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a miss." |
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"Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."
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Opened the freezer the other day & was greeted by an alien tossing himself off. "What the hell are you doing" I asked.
" I **** in peas" he replied!! |
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What's red & hangs from a tree?
...........a sanitary owl!! |
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I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson.
Not quite sure which race yet. |
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a 73 year old woman has been arrested at the chelsea flower show for streaking
but she won first prize for best dried bush arrangment........... |
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I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.
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Life..
It's just an f in lie. |
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I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.
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Cher Lloyd hasn't been seen much recently.
She must be busy defending her caravan from bailiffs at Dale Farm. |
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I think I should have got half of David Haye's purse.
I watched the fight in 3D, which meant I got closer to Klitschko than he did. |
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I'm not very happy with the travel insurance i've been sold for my camping holiday . If the tent blows away in the night I m not covered !
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I woke up this morning and it looked nice out . So i left it out .
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