Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said:
"I am not understanding the question please."

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.
Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.

It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his anus .

What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way.

In his pain and panic, he dialled 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."

An elderly couple, Barb and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'
Barb looked him over.
'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Barb, a little louder this time,
'Notice anything different NOW?'
Barb looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BARB?''
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!''

Without changing her expression, Barb replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat

My copy of FIFA won't load ~ apparently it's corrupt.

Man takes his rotweiller to the vet because he's cross-eyed. The vet examines him and says "I can cure this, but, it'll cost £100" The man says to go ahead, so the vet tells him to watch the dogs eyes.

The vet gets a plastic tube sticks it up the dog's arse and blows into it. Slowly the dog's eyes come straight. The man pays the vet and goes home.

A month later he comes down and the dog is cross-eyed again, so he thinks "I'm not paying a hundred quid again." He goes down the garden and cuts the end off his hose brings it back, sticks it up the dogs backside and starts blowing. After a bit he stops and comes to check the dog's eyes, but they're still crossed.

Eventually he decides it's because he has to keep going round the front to check where the eyes are, so he phones his mate and asks him to come and help.

His mate comes round and he says what he's going to do, and asks his mate to tell him when the dog's eyes are straight, so he knows when to stop blowing.

So the friend sits in front of the dog, holding it's head going ~ "No change ~ No change ~ No change ~No change." After 10 minutes the bloke is totally out of breath and the dogs eyes are still crossed. So he says to his mate, "look you blow and I'll watch."

So the guy goes to the dog's rear end and starts pulling the tube out. The bloke says "What are you doing ? It took me ages to get that in place."
His mate replies "Well, you don't think I'm going to blow in the same end as you do you ?"

After  both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to  feel a lot better. So I thought "Sod it, just soldier  on".

Just  said to the missus "Hey fatty, what do you want for your birthday?”
She said “Don’t get bloody lippy!” So I said “Right, mascara it is then!”

I woke up this morning at 8.00 and could sense something  was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing. I  panicked. I didn’t know what to do... then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

You  won’t hear from me for a while. I'm being  investigated for
stealing swimming pool  inflatables... I gotta lilo.

News  just in…There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

^ 7

I got a video of Carlos Tevez's greatest goals the other day.

I couldn't get it to play though.

irishman breaks down in his car and rings the r.a.c.and explains what happened.

"what gear was you in?" said the r.a.c. man.

paddy sez,"jeans, donkey jacket and wellys"

lol lovegod

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'


St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'


'Couple of minutes ago.'

Chatted up a gypsy burd in the pub the other night, she invited me back to her place to have a good time.. she wasn't kidding either!.
I went on the walzers, the dodgems, the ghost train, and even won a goldfish!

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped his bum!

A Chinese man has died in a river in Beijing.

Police say that he may have been saved if the first 5 people to see him hadn't thought they were looking at their reflection.

An Essex Girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

if a prostitute hasnt got any business does she qualify for knob seekers allowance?

my rastusfarian neighbour came round last night in tears,-his missus had left him and took the sattelite dish!!!  he was saying,

"no woman no sky"

My old dad always said to me son;

'Fight fire with fire'..

In the end they asked him to leave the fire brigade.