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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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I was watching Beauty and The Beast with my wife, and she said to me :
"If you were a beast, I'd still love you" I said "Aw that's sweet, and if you were beauty , I'd still love you, too." |
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Wayne Rooney is set to miss the whole of England's Euro 2012 campaign after being handed a 3 game ban.
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Came in late last night from 'work', trying to be as quiet as possible, so I didn't wake my girlfriend. However, when I reached the hallway, she was standing there with her hands on her hips looking angry.
'Where have you been?' She said. I had guilt written all over my face. 'And who the **** has written guilt on your face!' |
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My mate was diagnosed as a mute today...
I thought fcuk me.., He kept that quiet........ |
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ttt
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A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to £121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much? I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too." Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust Little Old Ladies!! |
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A grandma walks into the dentist & pulls down her pants. The dentist says "this is the dentist." The grandma says "i know, my husband needs his teeth back"
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His wife's graveside service was just barely finished when there was a massive clap of thunder......
.......followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning Accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance The old man looked at the pastor and calmly said "Well ..... she's there" |
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I was sitting at a bar in Amsterdam yesterday having a quiet beer.
This little Chinese guy comes in and sits next to me. After a few moments I said to him "Do you practice any of those martial arts, you know, things like Karate, Judo or Kung-fu?" He replied "No, why the fluck you ask me dat - is it cos I Chinee guy ?" "No" I responded "it's cos you're drinking my beer, you little slitty eyed b*stard !" |
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What is it about Essex?
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon .. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals Tins of baked beans Ice cream Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. **Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut.. "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked, "Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?" Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway. |
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A young Korean couple were lying in bed, and the guy starts farting continuously.
'That's disgusting!' shouts the girl. 'It's the dog' the guy claims.. 'don't blame the fcuking dog' she yells back.. 'it was cooked perfectly!' |
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench starts ringing, and a man pushes the hands-free button and starts to talk: Man- "Hello" Woman- "Honey, it's me. Did you have a nice round of golf?" "Yes, thank you for asking" "I'm out shopping, and I've found a beautiful leather coat for £500, can I buy it?" "OK, if you like it that much". "I also stopped at the Mercedes dealership, I saw one I really liked". "How much?" "£65,000" "OK, but for that price I want all the options" "Great, thank you Darling. One last thing, you know the house we missed out on last year? It's back on the market at £750,000". "OK, give them an offer, but don't go over £700K" "Thank you, I love you!" "Bye, I love you too". The man hangs up. The other men in the room are looking at him in astonishment. He smiles, and says "Anyone know whose phone this is?" |
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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.) Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." - "Did you dance much ?" - "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...." |
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All good stuff,keep em coming.
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A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." |
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Donnie that must be the worst joke on this whole thread.
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 it's topical though |
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if a spaniard,irishmen,portugese and greek were at the bar,who,d get the drinks in,
the german  |
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if a spaniard,irishmen,portugese and greek were at the bar,who,d get the drinks in,
the german |
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2 rounds ?
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Brian_Ookiebasher 28 Oct 11 18:47
Donnie that must be the worst joke on this whole thread. no, no, no, WORST EVER on the internet. |
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Incest, the game the whole family can play.
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Just blasted my missus, she had drawn her false eyebrows on far too high,
She looked really surprised  |
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a man goes to the doctors
doctor: what can i do for you? man: i need help..i can't stop shagging dogs doctor: thats absolutely disgusting how low can you get, man: a chiwawa |
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I was in a cab the other day and my cabbie said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do."
I said, "turn left here mate." |
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With Halloween coming up I went to a fancy dress shop to buy a Dracula costume.
The girl offered me a Leicester City shirt .....I said to her 'Sorry love, I think you misheard, I said I want to look like a count ! |
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John Terry this weekend strongly denied any allegations of racist remarks against Anton Ferdinand, however, he hasn't ruled out shagging his wife!
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Tweeted by Alan Carr, it made me laugh:
It’s Halloween. Or as paedophiles call it, Christmas. |
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In the back waters of Ireland, Paddy's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Paddy!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come yet." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,...It seems there's yet another one besides!" exclaimed the doctor. Then Paddy scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "D'ya tink it's the light that's attractin' em?" |
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went round to my dyslexic mates house on sunday and found him putting polish on his tadger!
"NO,your supposed to turn your clocks back",i said |
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'Wy you not at school yesterday ,Johnny?'
'My dad got burned miss' 'I'm sorry to hear that, was he badly burnt?' 'They don't fcuk about at the crematorium, miss' |
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Basil, a guy who walked regularly on the local beach, just couldn't make it with any of the girls. None of them wanted to know. So, one day, he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"Basil, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing those baggy old swimming trunks that make you look just like an old man. They're years out of date. You need to make yourself more interesting. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - perhaps a pair that are a little snug-fitting - and, well... how do I put this... just discretely drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm promise you you'll have all the babe attention you want!" The following weekend, Basil hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato - and he can't believe it - it's worse than before! Everybody on the beach appears disgusted as he walks by, some covering their faces, some turning away, some laughing, some looking like they are going to be physically sick! So Basil goes back to the lifeguard again and tells him, "It's worse than ever. What's wrong now?" The lifeguard looks at him and says "Jeez, not like that Basil! The potato goes in the front!" |
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A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.' Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.. Hallelujah! The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body-cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ... circumcision may not have been the best way to start." |
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^^^^ That joke was long as the bible, and just as funny.
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The Pakistan Cricket Board has just announced that it hopes to stamp out all match fixing before next summers innings defeat in the second test match.
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Over the past ten years we’ve lost Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Adam Faith and now Steve Jobs. So now we have no hope, no cash, no faith and, finally, no jobs.
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Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car when suddenly a cow crashes through a hedge, hits their vehicle and is killed.
A shaken Cherie orders the driver to find the farmer who owns the animal and tell him the bad news. The driver doesn’t return for three hours and when he does he looks dishevelled. Cherie asks what took so long. The driver says the farmer insisted he drank three bottles of Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc, while his wife made a lovely Victoria sponge and their 21-year-old daughter wanted him to make love to her for hours. ‘What on earth had you told them?’ asked Cherie. ‘I simply said that I was Cherie Blair’s driver and I had killed the cow. |
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the wife threw me out the house yesterday for measuring my c0ck.
Anyway, just for the record, it just reaches the back of her sisters throat. |
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Aston Villa v Norwich - Over/Under 2.5 goals (Backing Under 2.5 Goals @ 1.96)
2 Blackburn v Chelsea - Over/Under 2.5 goals (Backing Under 2.5 Goals @ 2.41) 3 QPR v Man City - Over/Under 2.5 goals (Backing Under 2.5 Goals @ 2.39) |