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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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ps sorry fatima think you,re lovely thou a bit controlling
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My sex addiction councillor said I no longer see women as mere sex objects and I can finally appreciate them as individual people. Sounds like she's wanting a good shag if you ask me!
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been at Weight Watchers for a couple of weeks now, still finding my feet........
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TEL AVIV, Israel — The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with no racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!” |
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A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?' 'I was stung by a bee,' she said. 'Where,' he asked. 'Between the first and second hole,' she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, 'Your stance is too wide.' |
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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. |
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. |
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. |
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The wife came home early today and found me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
I said "It is not what you are thinking Darling" She said "What the hell is it then?" I said "It is a woman" |
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I went to the butchers this morning and bought 8 legs of venison for £50, is that too dear?
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very, I bought 500 budgies for 25 pence, do you think that was cheap?
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My wife said she was breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming
I nearly choked on my tea; what terrible timing! |
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I've recently got into fisting after my psychiatrist told me I should widen the circle of my friends.
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For the whole 5 years I've been with my girlfriend, I've been begging her to try anal.
Until one day recently she gave in and said "Right! We can either do anal and spend the rainy day fund on those curtains I want, or, we don't do anal and we buy the 3D TV you want. Which is it to be?" At this point I remembered something my Dad told me once. He said "Son, if you just can't decide, listen to your heart" Taking his advice, I found my stethoscope and held it to my chest. My heart's answer was a resounding " BumBum BumBum BumBum BumBum... " |
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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus! |
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What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A black coat, a white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one! |
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A man wanks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says, 'sorry, we dont serve your typo in here'.
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My wife is really loud when she orgasms. I can hear her from my shed.
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It's called history for a reason. If it was herstory it would be boring
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Following Arsenal's recent dramatic upturn in fortunes, the boss has treated himself to a new motor....
......A sparkling brand new ReliantonRobin |
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My wife said she's leaving me because I'm a compulsive liar...........
Personally I think it's because she can't handle my 15 inch c*ck! |
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Got this from the Aussie forum.
Roy54boy Joined: 02 Nov 09 Replies: 2602 25 Nov 11 22:06 A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."  |
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LOL tinca!
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Injury and accident claim adverts are a load of b0llocks, when next doors daughter cut herself on my fence they told me to take some pictures of her gash.
Guess who is in court tomorrow? |
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my mate told me he was gonna try for the masterbating world record!,
"do you think that you"ll pull it off?" i said he said,"no but it may be a bit sore!!!" |
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ttt
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Another from the aussie forum.
Roy54boy Joined: 02 Nov 09 Replies: 2611 29 Nov 11 22:11 During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down. He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face? The man said yes! The robber shot him. Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face? She said no, but my husband over there did.  |
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my muslim mate said he was going to pour petrol over himself and set fire to it!
i said,"Amhed,its at times like this you need your family around you!" |
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A Muslim dies and goes up to heaven.
He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter who says, "Sorry, but we don’t allow muslims into Heaven." "What?" replies the Muslim, "And why not?" "Well, we just don’t." The Muslim rants and carries on until St-Peter gets fed up. "Well", says St-Peter, "Have you ever done anything good in your life?" "Ummm", the Muslim replies. "Yeah, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children’s charity so I gave her ten pounds. Last week I donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten pounds also". "Alrighty then", says St-Peter, "Let me go and have a quick word with God." Five minutes later St-Peter returns and says to the Muslim. "Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me, here’s your 30 quid back, now feck off." |
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For years I thought my other half had tourettes......
but it turns out she really does think I'm a f*cking **** |
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It was the end of the night and suddenly my German friend knocked back his pint so quickly that I asked him why?
He said he 'vos only obeying last orders' |
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Fatima Whitbread has been kicked off "I'm a celebrity get me out of here"
They have found some crack in her knickers |
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ive got a job as a comedian at an old people"s home,bless them,they dont get the jokes but they still p1ss themselves
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im sick and tired of all these fatima whitbread jokes,thats someones son for GODS sake
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xmas is coming soon,its going to be like like any other day to be honest,sitting at the table with a fat bird that doesnt g0bble anymore
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a woman was gang raped by a group of mime artists,they did unspeakable things to her
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had an e-mail back from screw fix "sorry sir we are not a dating agency" !
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had an e-mail back from screw fix "sorry sir we are not a dating agency" !
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awful news.....my mate was killed working in a betting shop yesterday when it collapsed and he was pinned against the wall by boxes of betting slips.the fire brigade tried to help but the odds were stacked against him.....!
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China has given Edinburgh Zoo two giant pandas. Hugely overweight beasts with two black eyes. It's like they're Scottish already.
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