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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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my nan knitted me a jumper with "I HATE MUSLIMS" across the front!
i said ,"Nan,i cant wear that", "why not ?", she said, i said,"its medium and im extra large!" |
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i live in a rough area,-these kids got me and covered me in chocolate and cream and stuck a cherry on my head!
Its hard in the gateau! |
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My sex addiction therapist told me this morning she was impressed with my progress and that i no longer see women as sexual objects and that i recognise their needs and im sensitive to there inner feelings.Sounds to me like she wants me to smash her up the a.rse..
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A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said. The other man replies, "No, just having a ****." |
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What's black and doesn't work?
Half of London. |
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f*cking appendix out!" |
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What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise. |
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i like the one on the royal variety the other night
bloke was taking his wife out to celebrate their 25th year together, she came downstairs after getting ready and said to him , i wore this 25 years ago when we went out ,it still fits and you havent even noticed, jesus woman he said its only a scarf, |
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot ..... A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. " The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?" The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..." |
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Dr. Smith's Prescriptions
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.' A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smiths? 'Yes I am... How did you know?' He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock " |
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Kim Jong's headstone should be "Told you I was il."
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I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving especially this time of year.As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many wines and some rather nice vodka.Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from. |
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I've finished my aerosol deodorant. Roll on tomorrow
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ttt
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Super thread
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I went to HMV today and asked if the assistant if he had anything by "The Doors".....
He said "yeah.....Waste paper bin,fire extinguishers"....kids today eh! |
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Hey golfnut westy/poults came in for you then
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Yeah Zapper......£3k.5 net....thanks mate.....
18 year old boy to Granma...Gran have you seem my pils? They were marked LSD..... She answers......Dont worry about your pills...have you seen those Dragons in the kitchen!! |
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Good on you mate
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out the underpants [ This image is no longer available. ] |
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What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus! |
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The guy who invented knock knock jokes should get a Nobel prize
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They have their knockers, but I quite like The Doors.
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I'm not sure whether I should get a Little Mix calender for £9.99.
..Or wait until next Christmas when I can get them to perform in my living room for a tenner. |
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A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor’s office. The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us make love ?" The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them £20.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, sh@g, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain, just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man responded, "We’re not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can’t go to her house. I am married and we can’t go to my house. The Sheraton Hotel charges £52.00 and Hilton Hotel charges £37.00. We sh@g here for £20.00 and I get £18.00 back from from insurance company for a visit to the doctors office. |
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A man went into in to a clock repairers renowned for its drop dead gorgeous woman assistant.
He walked up to the assistant and slapped his todger down on the counter. The assistant took one look at his pr1ck and said "Excuse me sir but this is a clock repairers not a c0ck repairers." "I know," he replied, "but I want two hands and a face on this right away!!" |
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A female athlete is preparing for the Olympics. She goes to the coach and complains about the tablets he is making her take.
"They are causing hair to grow on my breasts’ "Ah whats the problem, a little bit of downy hair. everyone has a few little hairs’ "They are not downy and they are not little and they are not a few’ "Well exactly how much is there ?’ "They grow all the way down to my b@lls, and thats something else I want to talk to you about’ |
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed wind at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing wind because they don’t smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what medicine you gave me, but now my wind..... although still silent... smells terrible." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing." |
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They say men always fll asleep after sex. Well if that's the case, why are so few apists caught?
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Here is proof of the generosity of the wee folks of Glasgow.
The vicar's salary At Sunday church the local vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow , stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Agnes Jones, aged 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.' There is total silence. The vicar, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' Agnes's 90 year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fcuk him'. |
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I'm still puzzled by the strange, varying gifts I received for Christmas.
A regular calculator, a scientific calculator, an abacus and a hairdryer ...something doesn't add up. |
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The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?" "Here" "Achmed El Kabul?" "Here" "Fatima Al Chadoury? " "Here" "Abdul Alu Ohlmi?" "Here" "Mohammed Ibn Achrha?" "Here" "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Silence in the classroom "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?" A boy arose and said "Sorry teacher. I think that's me It's pronounced Michael Meyer" |
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I asked my girlfriend what my sp*nk tastes like.
"Like your brother's," was not the answer I was hoping for. |
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I was doing some work experience at a school in Bradford today,
The Maths teacher said "If Sindeepa has three poppadoms, Mohammed has four poppadoms and Akhbar has two Onion Bhajis, who else has brought their own lunch today |
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep. |
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"Can you tie a knot?"
"I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?" "F*ck off!" |
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My neighbour just got out of prison for interfering with animals
He's a really creepy fella, and I'm quite happy that I havent seen him in Donkeys. |
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a chap went to the doctors with a lump on his forehead
the doctor has a look and informs him he has a p#nis growing out of his head! "how long will it grow?", says the bloke "its gonna be a 12 incher",the doc sez "well,can you amputate it?" sez the poor chap "ooo,no,its far too dangerous!"sez the doc "you mean,iv got to spend the rest of my life looking at that?" "no,-when it gets a bit bigger the balls will hang in your eyes"sez he doc |
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Guy walks into a Chemists....Do you have any Viagra?.....
Yes the clerk says....Have you got a prescription? No he says.....but i can show you a photo of the wife!... |
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At this festive time we should all remember that there are lots of people less fortunate than ouselves.
Then check we've locked the doors and windows. |