A glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time and says "this is Amanda"
His Dad jumps up and says "Its a f****g what?"

Woke up this morning and someone had wrote mong on the frost on me windscreen.
Took me fkn ages to lick it off!

Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Borrow money from pessimists—they don't expect it back.

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the b*stards were trying to pull.

Fosters.

I just got off the phone to Sea World.

They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.

^

Wife walks into the bedroom naked, hubby says "what are you wearing?" Wife says "my birthday suit"








hubby says "well you could at least iron the fooker!!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said,
“Did we land, or were we shot down?”

The wife, sexually frustrated, asked me, "When was the last time you gave me an orgasm?"

So I said, "This morning."

She cackled with laughter. "Ha! In your dreams!"

"No. In your coffee."

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Magaret my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a Warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “****” . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres..

So Magaret called him a “**** head”.  He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first ticket.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

^ 

A market researcher called at a house and a young woman answered his knock with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheese borough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

Reports claim an irish woman has been thrown off of the Hit TV Game Show Who wants to be a millionaire? for masturbating..

aparently she misunderstood the concept of fastest finger first!!

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

(courtesy of HH on another fred)

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the worst one you've posteed to date imo bigmo, and that includes the racist ones 

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

it was in Anthony
Worrall Thomson's jacket

i landed myself in jail and spent the first 4 hours being bummed senseless,


My uncle jack sure takes Monopoly seriously !!

I know it's long but it's worth it.


You're an ****!!!!
(6) When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know......

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello'

I politely said, ' This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, 'Get the right f *** ing number!', and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an *******!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, you're an ******* !' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an *******!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW ******* too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an *******!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ******** to call. Then I came up with an idea.......
I called ******* #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an ******* !' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, '*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
'He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******!' and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, *******.'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ***!'
I answered, 'Well, *******, here's your chance... I'm coming over right now!'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two ******** beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead News helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

'NOW I feel much better!!!'
Anger management works!!!