pulled this munter..asked her "do you use oil of ulay"..no.she replied
well you should!

Last night my girlfriend reversed her "no hand-jobs" policy.

As you can imagine I was relieved.

As I blew my daughter a kiss at the school gates, one of the other fathers looked at me in disgust. "Are you ****ing your own daughter?" he asked.

"Erm... No..." I said, looking very sheepish. "Is it wrong for a father to blow a kiss to his daughter?"

"No," he replied. "But it's wrong for her to catch that kiss and then rub it on her m1nge."

I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

"What are you doing?" said the wife

"Something I learnt online .

It's called 'buffering'."

What does a fat girl and a van load of plasterboard have in common? Both have a 95% chance of being nailed by a Polish immigrant.

My wifes armpits are so hairy, the other night when she lifted her arm up I thought she had Bob Marley in a head lock.

Only coincidence of course but Houdini was also a Harry.

i just got knocked off my bike by a lorry salting the roads f*ck you i screamed through my gritted teeth

I had to defrost the fridge last night, or foreplay as she calls it.

Im Gutted That Tommy Cooper Has Resigned As England Manager...

Orphaned children.

I blame the parents.

Not a copy and paste this.....was reading about a new type of Baseball bat that can appear to be "invisible" on its downswing!...typical yanks...
Anyway i just bought one....



My missus won`t know whats hit her in the morning!...

Its not all that but at least original!......

A woman set her fanny on fire by accident. Her husband said stand on the balcony and let the wind blow it out. But she slipped and fell. Paddy and Murphy were stood below. Watching the flaming fanny hurtling towards them. Paddy said to Murphy is that Haleys Comet? Murphy said dont talk so stupid its a Twattalite!

I logged on to my bosses laptop this morning

.. The toilet was out of order

iv got a poem that gets me a sh#g everytime!,

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Iv got a knife,
Now get in the back of the f#ckin van!

(stolen from one of the forums last year!)

****

paddy and mick were sat in a pub paddy says im gonna tell you about my skydive the other day
we rose to ten thousand feet when they opened the door i took one look out and thought no way im going out there
mick says what happened then  well my instructor who was a big strapping coloured fellow dropped his pants and said paddy if you dont jump youre getting this 14 inch baby up your arse 
well did you jump then paddy
just a little bit when it first went in

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!'

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'

The priest said, 'Here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?'

The green keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad.. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and
see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers
of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.'
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?'


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

a spokesman for the Ku Klux Klan has described Whitney Houston's condition as "satisfactory."

I saw the Muslim guy who just moved in next door to me get into his car this morning, then merely 10 seconds up the road, there was a massive explosion.

My wife called me an immature c*nt, but I think stuffing a potato into his exhaust pipe was hilarious!