I was livid when I realised someone had played a prank on my Mum by writing her phone number on the wall of the men's toilet with the message "Call me if you want An*l".

Even more so when I noticed they had done it in her handwriting.

I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

FA Announcement:

The FA have today been in touch with Everton ahead of Saturdays FA Cup semi-final against Liverpool.

Everton have been warned that any player marking Andy Carroll will be booked for time wasting.

I feel sorry for the jockey thats riding Andy Carroll today

I'd always wanted to use food in a kinky way.

And as she smeared jelly all over her belly, my excitement swelled.

"Now the tits. Now the tits," I shouted.

"Mr Smith, please!," said the midwife.

"Do you want to know the sex of the baby or not?"

What does this country have in common with my wife's lady bits?

Labour has ruined both of them.

On sale at Boots now.
Tottenham Viagra.
For those moments when all that you can reach is a semi.



Love that Andy Carrol horse one bigmo!...

‎2 mexicans lost in the desert been wondering round for days when in the distance they suddenly spot something as they get closer they see a tree covered in bacon rasher upon rasher of crispy succulent bacon, hey pepe we eez saved amigo look eez a bacon tree, carlos rushes forward and just as he gets to the tree he is cut down in a hail of bullets. With his dying breath he shouts pepe amigo run eez not a bacon tree eez an ham bush

Old chinese proverb . . . .
Man who confuse laxative with viagra . . . . . . . . .
Crap in bed

A woman is taking golf lessons, she had started her 1st round when she was stung by a bee. She went back into the clubhouse for help. Her golf teacher asked why she was back so early. She told him of the bee sting "where did it sting you?" he asked "between the 1st & 2nd hole." He shook his head and said"then your feet are too far apart.

Paddy's struggling down the road with a wardrobe. A friend says"hey paddy why don't ya get mick to help" paddy says" hes inside carrying the clothes"

A man goes into a public toilet and sees a notice on the door saying, "Beware Homosexuals!"
He then sees another notice on the toilet mirror which also says, "Beware Homosexuals!"
He then sees writing on the skirting board and bends down to read it. It said, "You were warned twice luvvy !"

I realise that the jokes don't come much older than this but some are worth another look.



The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper on the first ring, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?".

"Yes.", whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?", the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?".
"Yes.", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?".

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?".
"No, he's busy.", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?".
"A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In a whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

My wife fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling a little naughty, I took a marker pen and wrote 'World's Worst Mum' on her forehead.

The next morning when she looked in the mirror she went mental.

I had no idea that having a miscarriage affects your sense of humour.

I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot..

And completely smashed his beehive to bits.

A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine."
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime, the man is asking for sex.
The woman says, "I can't start the washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!"

Apparantly Diane Abbott was on Question Time last night .

Clearly she is unpopular on a certain political website , as over
100 comments have been made basically hating her .

My favourites are....

Diane Abbott - the woman who put the hippo into hypocrite .

And for f*cks sake if you’re asked what is your position on defence don’t reply ‘paint it with de creosote’.

The ante natal class was full of pregnant women and their partners, with the class in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe, and telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just rest often and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "And gentlemen, remember, you're in this together - it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room grew quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room raised his hand.

"Yes?" answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be alright if she pushes a golf trolley while we walk?

hat's the difference between a western girl and a Arab girl?

The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery........