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On his first night cricketer Azhar asked his wife;
Azhar:- What will you say about my shot in between two finelegs. Sangita:- Well the shot was good but you are not the opening batsman. |
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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy
about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. "Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used. The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. " Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!" The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the f*cking window cleaner!" |
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Bigmo!...losing your cred with that one!
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Crossword clue:
An individual you find annoying, would rather not be near. N-*-G-G-E-R * * * * * * * * * * * * N-A-G-G-E-R |
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After watching it for half an hour I just had to ring Babestation last night... The lady answers:
"Hello sexy, Are you feeling as horny as mee??!" "Just DUCK WILL YOU, my wife's just got home and I've lost the remote" |
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A man gets chatting to a girl in a bar and says to her 'you remind me of my little toe'
She says,'is that cos i am small and cute ?' No, he replies,'its because i am going to bang you on my coffee table' |
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A man was telling a girl in the pub about his uncanny ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by touching their tits.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about 30 seconds of fondling them she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born?"....... "****in Yesterday?" he replied. |
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Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen.
She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses." |
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probably in poor taste but what the heck
I can't wait for the paralympics. Especially the wheelchair basketball, armless archery and women's football. |
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this made me chuckle on sicki
I often ask myself what the hell I was thinking when I became a father. Then I remember it was "Oh God, yes, yes, yes!" |
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Stephen Hawking had a funny turn yesterday, his careworker didn't know whether to take him to the hospital or PC World.
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a tight scotsman sees the women of his dreams walking down the road and immediately goes over to talk to her
"if i gave you a hundred quid would you let me sook on yer t1ts?" "what?? no" "how about if i give you a grand?" "errr... no thanks" "ok, 10 grand then" "right, but lets go somewhere quieter... come up this alleyway" so the scotsman whips her fun bags out and marvels at them for a second, then starts groping them.... nibbling on them.... cupping them with his hands. he keeps going on at this for a couple of minutes "arent you going to suck on them then??" she asks. "nah, costs too much." |
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Ibrahima Sonko 21 Jul 12 21:37
probably in poor taste but what the heck I can't wait for the paralympics. Especially the wheelchair basketball, armless archery and women's football Poor taste is one thing, but how is it funny ? |
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A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asks: "Why the long face?" The horse, incapable of speaking, **** on the floor and leaves.
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "
Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..." |
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were fast galloping east being pursued by 250 Apache on the warpath
As they neared a ridge another 250 Apaches came into view 'Tonto, my indian friend, what do we do now?' asked the Lone Ranger 'We turn left and head north kemo sabe' said Tonto They turned and galloped on, watching the 250 Apache on either side as they went parallel at a distance As they neared the mouth of a canyon a further 250 Apache came out of the entrance 'Tonto, my lifelong indian friend, what do we do now?' said the Lone Ranger 'A complete turn kemo sabe' said Tonto 'and we ride south like the wind' They galloped south and saw that the Apache on either side were slowly closing in, and the 250 behind them were catching their tired horses They went on until almost sunset when they came to a cliff edge over a canyon, with a 100 feet drop to a raging river down below The Lone Ranger dismounted his trusty steed, Silver, and turned to look at the fast approaching 750 Apache He turned to Tonto and said 'What should we do my indian companion ? Jump and risk death, or fight until we get killed?' Tonto thought for a moment, then turned to his lifelong friend and said 'Fack off paleface' |
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'none of our swimmers have taken drugs', said chinese swimming coach Che Ting ****
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I made a ventriloquist's dummy out of bits of old carpet
It was ruggish |
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I felt uncomfortable watching the women’s weightlifting because the commentator said some women’s snatches were cleaner than others!
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Yorkshire are dominating the olympics and they've still got Peter Sutcliffe with the hammer to come.
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^^^^ ho ho ho, where is GREEN now....
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Just been to Tesco's with the wife & out of the blue she said "You're one lazy f*cker".
Well I nearly fell out of the trolley.... |
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But she didn't say it 'out of the blue', she said it because you were in the trolley. 0/10.
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Me and Nicola Adams have something in common...we both like to batter lasses in the ring
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Breaking news Robin Van Persie's flat in north london is on fire ......
Police suspect Arsene..... |
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I saw a boat today with a sign that said, "For Sale", so I added an "ing"...Idiots,lucky I was walking past.
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ASTHMATICS. Avoid going on holiday to places where the scenery is described as breathtaking.
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GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it. DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. |
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SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers. TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks. |
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It's my Scouse nephews birthday tomorrow so as a surprise i've put £10 in his nans purse.
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I went to a mate's wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me "Isn't the bride a right ugly bastard?"
"Do you mind ? That's my daughter you're talking about." "I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father." "I'm not . . . . I'm her mother you cheeky f##ker!!!."! |
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a joke from the Edinburgh festival:
A woman came up to me in the street in London, with an unlit cigarette in her hand: " Got a light, ****?" "I dunno", I replied, "but it floats in the bath"... |
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FFS!!!! "Got a light, c o ck?"
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Some more from the Edinburgh festival...
1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." 2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ” 3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” 4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” 5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.” 6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.” 7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating. 8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” 9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.” 10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.” |
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Two men walk into a bar, 1st man says I'll have H20, the 2nd man says I'll have H20 too.
The second man died. |
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A woman went to the doctors with Two green marks on the inside of her legs at the top
The doctor examined her and asked her if she was a gypsy? Yes she replied, why? Tell your husband his earrings are not real. |
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You offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly
she's not your friend anymore.. |
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Rule of Life Number 1
Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you. |