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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Man goes into a police station and complains he's been mugged.Copper asks if he can give a description."Well, said the man..he definitely had ginger hair and i think he wore a hat, and, and..to be honest i'm not really sure."Don't worry said the copper..we'll get the black ba$tard"
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why does Noddy have a silver bell on the end of his helmet?
because he's a c*nt. Do I win a prize? |
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obviously dated,
why didn't superman save everyone in the world trade centre? he couldn't get his wheelchair through the rubble. really divided opinion in the days after. |
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand. saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary." The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh*t,' the Rottweiler ate her!" |
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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's **** off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!" |
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WEIGHED IN
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I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a ****" & then off we go....
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
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A recent survey:
Are there too many foreigners in this country now? Answers: 20%: YES 10% : NO 70% :ãÚåÏ ÇáÃãä ÇáÚÇáãí ÈæÇÔäØ |
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I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom, It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
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The first thing my girlfriend said to me this morning was "I'm seeing someone else".
I advised her to go to Specsavers ! |
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Just finished reading a book about helium gas, I couldn't put it down.
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BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines
Seems a bit sexist to me that |
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Aldi shampoo; Because you're worthless........
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To err... is Human
To arr... is Pirate |
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So this guy walks into a bar and says to the barman "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the barman replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?" "Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket. The barman looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?" "Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey. "That's amazing" replied the barman, "what else can he do? Can he walk?" With that the guy flips a pound down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy. "That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?" "Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a w@nker..." |
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In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face." The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him." The Frenchman thought - "That fkng Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by a mistake she slapped me." The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon, so I can smack that French tw@t again." |
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I was in a bar last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.
They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?" That's pretty much the last thing I remember. |
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My wife told me that she has quit smoking.
To see if she's telling the truth,I've gone to work and left the gas on. |
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I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy
a shag Babe?" I said, "After the football Love." She said, "You do realise that you can record it?" I said, "Nice one, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes! |
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After all these years the birth mark I've had on my left ar*e cheek turns out to be a cigar burn!
How's about that then! |
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Apparently, I suffer from xenophobia...
I bet I caught it off some fecking foreigner. |
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Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.
If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days... |
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Singer Beyoncé has received the results of a DNA test proving that she is the love child of the late Record Breakers presenter Roy Castle.
A spokesman for Beyoncé said that the singer is thrilled by the news, but will not be adopting her natural father's surname. |
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Bought my jehovas witness friend an advent calendar, it tells him to f*ck off every time a door is opened.
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I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry. The doctors said I'll be fine, but I have to warn you - the Dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name!
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DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered; I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? |
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The charity pantomime for help the paranoid descended into chaos last night, when someone in the audience shouted out ' he's behind you!'
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I woke up during the night and couldn't see my wife in the bed.
We really need to get a firmer mattress. |
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A new **** was introduced onto the farm, and as soon as he was released from the box he had been broght in, he went to survey his new domain. He spoke to a goose, and asked "Who's the boss around here?" The goose replied "Victor the bull, in the pen at the end of the farm track".
The **** went straight down the track and found a big bull in a pen, and asked "Are you Victor?" "Yes" said the bull. "You seem to be new here" "Not only new", said the **** as he fluttered into the pen, "I'm the new boss around here!" The bull smiled inwardly, and put his head down and tossed the **** back over the fence. The **** was furious, and flew straight back into the pen, and said "Now listen here - I'm the new boss on this farm, and if you don't show some respect, you're going to find yourself in serious trouble!" Once again, the bull lowered his head and tossed the **** over the fence, who was now incandescent with rage, and flew back over the fence, and landed on the bull's back. He dug his claws into the bull, and flapped his little wings with all his might, and slowly at first, then more quickly, he lifted the bull clear off the ground, and dropped him over the fence. Well, you've guessed it - none of this is true - but I'll bet it's the best **** and bull story you've heard all year! |
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My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"
I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"  |
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New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat." |
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A carrot is driving to work one day, when suddenly there's a terrible accident and he has to go to the hospital.
His wife rushes over to the hospital to check up on him as soon as she hears the news. She is in the waiting room for ten minutes before the doctor comes out to speak with her. "Oh, Doctor?" She pleads, "Is my husband going to be okay?" "I'm so sorry, Miss," The doctor replies sadly. "He's a vegetable." |
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^^^^
Jesus H Fkin Christ without a doubt the worst effort at a joke anyone has ever had the misfortune to read |
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I didnt write it ffs
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maybe you don't get it...I will talk you through it then...The carrot is a vegetable, when he gets hot in a car crash, the doctoe tells the wife he is a vegetable you see, thats the "root" of the joke
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hit....
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