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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Enda Kenny, said, "I am the Prime Minister of Ireland and I am the smartest man in Ireland's history, so Irish people don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you, Ireland's smartest man took my schoolbag. |
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This woman's pet dog has very bushy eyebrows which hang over his eyes, so much so the poor creature is constantly bumping into furniture, dustbins, trees and parked cars. She takes him to the vet to get the eyebrows trimmed so he can see where he's going. The vet says "Sorry but trimming a dog's eyebrows isn't a job we do - you can do it yourself with some hair remover". So, she takes him down the street into Boots the chemist and asks the pharmacist for some hair remover. He goes in the back and brings out a tube of cream.
"This is our best depilatory cream. Apply for 20 minutes on your legs and 10 minutes under your arms". She says: "No no, it's for my little schnauzer" "Then apply for 5 minutes, wear loose fitting knickers and don't ride a bicycle for two weeks." |
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Young people have theirs,
now Seniors have their own texting codes: * ATD- At the Doctor's * BFF - Best Friends Funeral * BTW- Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM- Covered by Medicare * CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center * DWI- Driving While Incontinent * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low * GHA - Got Heartburn Again * HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement * LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out * LOL- Living on Lipitor * OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas * TOT- Texting on Toilet * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? * WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!) |
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Posted this before elsewhere - but i like it:
Duck Waddles into a pub and hops up on a barstool says to the barman: Got any bread No Got any Bread No Got any Bread Look- this is a fecking pub.If you ask me if I've got any bread again I'll nail your beak to the bar. Got any nails? No Got any bread |
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An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The President was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock Tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that There was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked The president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !' |
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what`s the difference between a goodyear tyre and 365 condom`s? one`s a good year and the other a bloody good year!
the girlfriends just had her teeth whitened. although most of it landed on her chin! |
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Beckham gets into a cab, and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror, after about 5 minutes, the driver says, ok give me a clue. Bex says, I had a glittering career at Man U, played in America and also got over 100 caps for England, is that enough ? Driver says , no you thick ****, where you going ?
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I met a blonde in a club last night and I asked, "What's your name?"
"It's K," she replied. "That's sexy," I said, "What's it short for?" She smiled and answered, "So I can spell it."   |
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I was driving home last night when I saw my girlfriend's car parked in a lay-by. The back of the vehicle was bouncing up and down.
Silly bitch, she must've been trying to pull off with the handbrake on.   |
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SKY SPORTS NEWS:Bradford city have announced that cup final tickets will start at 60 rupees each and will be limited to 40 per household.
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I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said, "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?"
"I'd say yes," he replied. "Exactly," I said, shaking my head and walking away, "What the fcuk is wrong with women these days?" |
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A muslim bloke was bragging that he had the whole Koran on DVD.
Interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. And then the fight started.... |
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the gay guys house. Don't get it. Knock knock.... Who's there? The chicken Damn. |
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A Welsh farmer was shagging his prize ewe when the sheepdog came over and started licking his ****.
Although it helped him to come quicker he couldn't help thinking - dogs are dirty bstards. |
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Police are looking for a northern Transvestite, sources say he had a wigan address.
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I see Tesco are in the $hit again, human DNA found in welsh lamb.
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Did you know that an@l sex is still illegal in Iceland?
Not sure if it's the same in Farmfoods so be careful. |
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My wife phoned me today.
She said,"I've just had my present delivered,I take it this is to say sorry for trying to kill me last week." I said,"Have you opened it yet?" "No," she replied. "But I'm pretty sure it's a clock." |
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My girlfriend said to me "Play one more game of FIFA and I'm moving out."
I told her "Wait 8 minutes and I'll help you pack your bags." |
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bigmo 30 Jan 13 10:06
Police are looking for a northern Transvestite, sources say he had a wigan address. |
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I offered an American my stool in the bar.
Then he started ranting about his right to armchairs. |
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I'm not saying my wife's a fat biitch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach.
On the floor. |
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I love the Irish,
I must be a paddyofile. |
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My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts." |
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'Child on board' car signs.
Are these for protective parents or cocky paedophiles? |
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I see Pets at Home latest high st store to encounter financial difficulties due to the recession.
Had to send the Retrievers in ! |
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my friend got the sack from pets at home last week.
stealing the idiot got caught with his fingers in the trill |
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Bigmo your 1139 post about mythical creatures.
Last 3 words suuperfluous mate |
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A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rang. She answered it and after hanging up she said, "That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you!"
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"I'm sick of this recurrring verbal abuse, I'm going to break the cycle", said my wife.
"Going for a ride on your bike then?", I asked. |
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A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love.
The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress. Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago." His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!" |
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to to the other side. Why did the pervert cross the road? His knob was up the chicken. |
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I was walking near Sandringham last week and I thought I saw Prince William on the other side of the road.
He thought he saw me. We crossed over, and it was neither of us. |
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My mate Bill is a radio announcer.
When he walks under a bridge, nobody can hear him speak. |
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I often chat-up women who've had a mastectomy.
They say I'm only after one thing. |
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DNA tests on the remains of King Richard have confirmed he is the last Englishman to be found in Leicester
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martin clunes has big ears
But noddy won't pay the ransom |
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Our local chemist was burgled the other day, the whole shop was emptied except for a box of 30 combs and hairbrushes, and a box of 250 condoms.
The police are hunting a gang of bald catholics. |
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I recently decided to do my bit for africans
Last week I fostered a Somalian Done him right round the head with 4 cans |