see that old chef making a tv comeback

The galloping Gourmet!

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering about on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion, and asks "What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer" said the drunk "But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

I said to my wife
"Do you hear that? No one whining, moaning or complaining
The sound of silence. It's beautiful isn't it?"

And placed her urn back on the mantelpiece

My mother-in-law is in the Guinness Book Of Records.

She's the only woman in the UK with a sunburnt tongue.

We used to play dangerous games when we were kids. I recall playing William Tell with my younger brother, and putting an apple on his head. 

If he hadn't sneezed he'd be......57 now

Ikey Cohen has walked 100 yards alongside the Wailing Wall every day for 35 years.

CNN find out about this and alert their young Middle East correspondent Alice Smith to follow Mr Cohen one morning.

She follows him and waits for him to stop praying.

She then asks `Mr Cohen is it true you have come here every day for 35 years and prayed`?

`Yes my dear` came the reply

`Tell me Mr Cohen what do you pray for`?

`Well my dear I pray that the Syrians, the Palestinians, the Israelis and the Lebanese stop fighting one another and live forever more in peace.`

`Do you think it has had any effect Mr Cohen`

`Not really - I might just as well be beating my head against a brick wall`

LOL

A giraffe walked along the road to a pub and when somebody opened the door to go in, the giraffe lowered himself by spreading his legs and then stuck his neck right out until it reached the bar.

He said to the barman 'Has my brother been in here.'

The barman said 'I'm not sure, what does he look like?'

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a field of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's arse. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

champ'ion

I was at the cash machine today and this guy had forgotten his reading glasses and asked me to check his balance. I pushed him over easily and advised him to widen his stance next time for a better balance.

Murphy goes to the car wash,comes out the other end and the attendant says,ok then paddy? murphy says how do you know i am Irish?the attendant says not many go through here on a motorbike.

"Job interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Paddy: "Honesty."

Job interviewer "I don't think honesty is a weakness"

Paddy: "I don't give a fcuk what you think.""

How to Please Your I.T. Department

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

A couple that had been happily married for years and the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and The smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream, and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and some Vaseline I think I got most of them back in."

Watched some DVDs back to back with my girlfriend the other day. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

Do you know what gives kids a bad name these days? Posh & Becks.

Went for an Italian last night. Well the idiot offended me so I had to punch him.

Grilled some Tomatoes last night. 30 mins later and they still wouldn't tell me where the gold was.

Had my car broken into in a multi storey car park. That's wrong on oh so many levels.

The woman at the Job Centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue of people and you are rude to everyone."

I said, "What's your point?"

She said, "Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver?"

A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Miliband.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

Miliband was delighted.
As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS,"
when Milliband's motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters."

Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.But today, they have their eyes open."

brill bigmo....