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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I was a bit paranoid about my sexual prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire - "Is Your Man Bad In Bed?".
"It's just something to do when I'm bored" she protested. "That's a relief," I replied, as I carried on thrusting. |
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Carol Vorderman fell down some stairs and broke her nose.
On the way down she hit 4 from the top and 2 from the bottom. |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=2RR7oDUzpxI#!
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Apparently every time I smoke a cigarette in the house my three-year-old son also smokes one.
The crafty little fu*ker. |
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I'm just about to perform my first ever acting role on TV and I'm a bit nervous.
I just hope I can convince the press and media I had nothing to do with my wife's disappearance. |
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I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger.
As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating." I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out. Knocking some poor tw*t off his motorbike. |
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My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday.
He died the way he would have wanted to go... He passed away peacefully in his sheep |
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Talking about cricket .
To the tune of "Waltzing Matilda" . Barmy Army actually sang: We all shagged Kylie, We all shagged Kyile, We all shagged Kylie – and so did our mates. And she moaned and she groaned as we shoved it up her billabong, We all shagged Kylie, and so did our mates. ------------ Apparantly this upset the aussies |
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Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?
He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East. |
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I hadn't heard from my son for a couple of days, so I decided to go and see how he was.
Turns out he just needed a new battery for his baby monitor. |
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Keep them coming bigmo, some crackers on here
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The jokes on here are some of the worst I've ever read...especially the most recent ones
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Looking forward to your contribution then SirFresh.I'm sure you'll show how it should be done.
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Humour us SirFresh, lets hear your best joke.
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~~~~~~tumbleweed~~~~~~
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Come on SirFresh. We are waiting to guffaw.
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Where are you Sirfresh?
Looking for a real bronx cheer |
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Seems like some people can't take any criticism.
The jokes are dire for the most part...just c&p'd from sickipedia anyway. |
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good one sirfresh rib just gone you cad
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Keep 'em coming Bigmo, and your other threads. They are the first ones I look at when I check in here. Thank you so much for keeping the place worthwhile.
Sorry I haven't got a joke that is worth adding but apparently SirFresh has got the funniest joke ever bubbling away and he is typing it down as we speak. Come on SirFresh. Show us that you are not the complete 4rsehole that you have just managed to make of yourself. |
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SirFresh Of course some are copied from siki. What do you expect every joke to be personally made up by myself and completely original.You are of course entitled to your opinion so I won't comment further.
Thanks Clouseau. |
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I have to concur with clouseau. Keep em coming Bigmo !!!
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The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I just watched him all night." The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man… The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night." |
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I met my mate coming out of the doctor's surgery the other day. He said "I've been diagnosed with the big C"
I said "what, you don't mean...?" "Yep", he said, "dyslexia" |
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10 catholic priests are at the pearly gates trying to get into heaven.St Peter says "look I'm telling you now we don't accept paedophiles here so you may as well turn back."
9 of the priests start walking away when a loud voice booms out "and take the deaf c*nt with you as well. |
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bloke goes to the doctors ,doc says you have got to stop w@nking ! bloke ,why will i go blind ?....... doc ...no but it upsets the other patients in the waiting room !
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think i must of eaten horse,just had a dump,it was good to firm,soft in places
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why did the cow look over the wall?
because he couldn't look under it. what's black white and red all over a newspaper. I'll get my coat. |
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what about the gay french butcher who put his meat up 3 francs !
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I really hate it when a change of currency mucks up your tried and tested jokes.
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For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.
It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife. |
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You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?
That's why I'm no longer a gYou know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there? That's why I'm no longer a gynaecologist...... |
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Siki cut and paste c*ck-up
You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there? That's why I'm no longer a gynaecologist... |
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Johnny Knows The Whole Truth
At school a classmate told Little Johnny that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Once home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug. |
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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00." |
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Maggie Thatcher passed fit for work by ATOS today...
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What's Maggie Thatcher got in common with Hovis
They're both brown bread. |
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TiptheOdds
08 Apr 13 23:29 Maggie Thatcher passed fit for work by ATOS today... |