Happy scenes seeing Celtic celebrate winning their second SPL title in a row. Now I'm off to open a bottle of champagne after beating my two year old daughter in a fight.

"I don't know why you bought that laptop. You never use it," said my wife.

She only says that because she checks my browsing history every day.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and

Pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and A salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

I went to see a house earlier with period features.

My wife hates it when I call her that...

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike Reid is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house"

Barca without Messi, is a bit like man utd without Howard Webb.

Bill Roach, Jim Davidson, Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Freddie Starr.
You've got to admit,the prison panto is looking good this year.

Despite Robin van Persie netting 25 times for United this season, he's still only the 3rd best attacker in Manchester, behind Ken Barlow & Kevin Webster.

Since my Doctor gave me an Injection last Week, I keep coming out with paronomasia about India.

Must've been a Pun Jab.

^ sorry, I don't get that barry

I asked The Pope what he thought about people like Jeremy Kyle, who exploit poor uneducated people to make millions of pounds.

"They're just amateurs," replied his Holiness.

Disney's Movie Put on Hold.

Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the non-racist version of "Snow White," has been put on hold.

All 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Carjacker, Drive By, Pimp, and
Baby Daddy, have refused to sing "Hi Ho, It's off to work we go."

I remember it well yorky, just didn't make the connection... might just as well have been "what's green and has 5000 bottles of milk next to it?" and the answer being terry waite's front door

yeah but the moss has turned it green after so long imo

i went to the clap clinic with clamydia,genital herpes,gonhorrea,and syphilis!
They said i was an incurable romantic!

i went with crabs once!,the doctor said,"pour two pound of sugar down your underpants!"
"will this cure me?" i replied,
"no ,but it will rot their fekin teeth a bit"

When I was at school I never wore my hearing aid.

The science teacher apparently told us that in our next lesson we would be dissecting a frog. 

I never heard hin properly, but Leroy had a lovely funeral...

What do you call a dog with no teeth?.....






Whatever you like it can`t bite you..