bigmo 04 Jul 13 09:23 
This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams.

Many years ago I came a close 2nd in the Miss Brazil 1949 competition. Later that year I emigrated and was beset by a long period of bad luck.

I suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. I lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, I suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of my teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a bitch fight outside a Chicken Cottage. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But I never stopped believing.

And then finally last week I was crowned Miss Scotland 2013

Big LOL at this,bigmo!

Nelson Mandela has been clutching an unknown object very close to his chest since being admitted to hospital.

On closer inspection, it's now been identified as the watch given to him by Alex Ferguson.

A blonde is crossing the road when she gets hit by a car.The driver rushes over to see if she's all right."Are you ok?" he asks. "I can't see straight,"says the blonde."Everything is a blur." Concerned the driver leans over her and says"How many fingers have I got up?" "God no!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down as well.

A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

Living at the seaside two hundred years ago, what kind of idiot would call their house "Smugglers Cottage"?

A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting  next to him. Excited, he asks:  “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

How do you make a sheep say "moo"?

Ask it if a goat has Buddha-nature.


The masochist said to the
sadist: “hit me” and the sadist said:”no”.


What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountaineer?

Nothing - you can't cross a vector with a scaler.

What do you get if you cross a zebra with a banana?

Zebra banana sine theta.

Two scientists walk into a bar and one says to the barman 'I'll have a glass of H2O'. The second scientist says I'll have a glass of H2O too.

Both scientists proceeded to drink their beverages and the second scientist dropped dead.

Two scientists walk into a bar and one says to the barman 'I'll have a glass of H2O'. The second scientist says I'll have a glass of water too.

The second scientist then turned to his colleague and asked him why the hell he has to bring work to the bar and he should just ask for a glass of water.
The first scientist remains quiet, angry that his attempted assassination had been thwarted.

Two scientists walk into a bar and one says to the barman 'I'll have a glass of H2O'. The second scientist says I'll have a glass of H2O too.

The barman pours them both a glass of hydrogen peroxide, sick of chemists coming into his bar trying to be funny.

The trouble with Archaeology careers is that they end in ruins!
All Egyptologists are in de-Nile.

A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

I don't get these two 

Cheers I don't feel so stupid now as there were quite a few went over my head.

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman go off to the Vatican to see the Pope.  Each morning they are there at 4am in st peters square hoping to see the Pontiff, and each day a junior priest tells them that Pope is unavailable to see them.

This goes on for 6 days and then on the last day, the junior priest informs them that the Pontiff has sadly passed away but the news won't break for another 3 days and they must keep the news to themselves, which they all agree to honour.

The lads all return to the UK and decide to make some money on the event by having a bet on the Pope being dead by the end of the week.

Sure enough, 3 days later, the news breaks that the Pope has sadly gone off to meet St Peter.  The 3 friends meet up in a London pub at the weekend as agreed to find out how much each of them won.  The Englishman declares "I got £250 on at Korals at 100-1 some I'm twenty five grand to the good".  The Scotsman replied "I got a grand on at ladcrooks but only got 10-1 (no surprise there Betfarians!!) so I made 10 grand".

The Irishman looked dismayed.  When aksked how much he had won he admitted "I won nothing".  "but how did you win nothing asked the Scotsman" incredulously. "Ah, I put him in a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury, and he's still alive and well!"

The TCP joke- is an IT geeks joke so it`s probably a positive thing if it does go over your head.
TCP connections (It you are reading this then you used one) are initiated using a '3 way handshake' where the client and server synchronize / acknowledge each other


The electron joke - Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle says you can't know the speed and position of a particle at the same time - so if you tell an electron how fast it's going, it doesn't know where it is.

How do you identify a Dogwood tree?
By the bark.

It's never too late to tell somebody how much you love them.

Unless you've just come home drunk at 3 a.m.

I like a good long cuddle with my girlfriend after sex.

It's the quickest way to deflate her.

I met Barrack Obama and said, "My dad says you're spying on us all."

He said, "He's not your dad."

Why do the Irish call their currency "The Punt"?

Because it rhymes with Bank Manager!