Metro Front Page:- "Cricket declares war on cheaters"

What a brave little insect, taking on all those big cats single-handedly...

Made love to the wife last night just like they do in the movies.


I was fast, she was furious.

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the **** was that? Stop the car, son."

..had to read it twice....

"Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes."

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.

Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

I've just learned that tantric sex is where you have sex without moving.

I've never tried it myself, but my wife does it all the time.

I was furious when I discovered my wife had set up a website to help the victims of domestic violence.

She got 200 hits in the first hour.

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

What do you say to a woman with a black eye.

Nothing. She's been told once.

apologies if this is already been done


A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundsman shouts to him, "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shiite an pish!"

The golfer replies: "My good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?"

The keeper replies: "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!"

Dora the Explorer has got a little Muslim friend called Doda.

The Exploder.

"G'day sport, you're through to Aussie Helpline. What's your problem?"
 
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp. Her **** has completely closed up."
 
"Bummer mate!"
 
" Thanks, mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

"Sir do you mind steppin' outta the car and doin' a breath test."
"Look, you've had two pints, you're over the limit, that's a twelve month ban and a criminal record."
"Ey, it's company policy. I've got to let you go."
"I know there's only twenty thousand on the clock, but that's my final offer."
"Oh that's just great, Matt! No license, no job... now what?"
"So, what's it gonna be?"

"Stella please, mate."

I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly"

That way everyone in the country can get **** faced drinking responsibly.

And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink responsibly"

Probably will **** off the government as well

WHATS THE DIFF BETWEEN CLINT EASTWOOD & ANAL SEX ?    ONE MAKES YOUR DAY !   THE OTHER MAKES YOUR HOLE WEAK !

It's a year ago today since my Dad passed.

Greedy **** just tries to shoot everytime he gets the ball now.

The Daily Mail has left me slightly confused.

Do millions of immigrants come to Britain to steal our jobs or claim our benefits?

Sean Connery's agent calls the Scottish patriot at his palatial Bahamian villa:

"Sean, Sam Mendes wants you to play Bond in the next movie. He wants to meet you. Be at his place tomorrow for Ten-ish."

"Ten-ish, but I don't play. I don't even have a racket"

I accidentally sent a picture of my **** to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.