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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Canadian Club
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My teenage son threw the chemistry set I bought him onto the floor.
If he thinks he's going to get a reaction that way, he's got a lot to learn. |
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I wouldn't say my wife was awkward but when I told her I was taking her on a world cruise she said 'I want to go somewhere else'
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Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
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The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster
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My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
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I asked northernlad 'How do you keep an idiot in suspense for 24 hours?'
He said 'I don't know.' I said 'I'll tell you tomorrow.' |
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my mrs just asked me for 150 quid for a sat nav, she can get lost
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The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" |
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I wouldn't mind MisterBadger but my day is going from bad to worse.I was just phoning the circumcision advice service when I got cut off.
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Brilliant thread Bigmo.....
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Thanks workrider.
I was so angry after arguing with my wife last night. When she went to bed, I sneaked into the kitchen and tightened every jar and bottle in the cupboard. |
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Jesus Christ walked into a cheap hotel, put three nails on the counter and said:
'Can you put me up for the night?' |
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"I have a dream", Martin Luther King Jr, 28 Aug 1963
"I have a drone", Barack Hussein Obama, 28 Aug 2013 ----------------------------------------------------- I saw a couple of youths outside a school today settling their differences with their fists. I thought, I'm not having this, this is the 21st century. So I went over and handed one of them a knife. |
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collywobble
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I don't envy the person who will have the job of Courtroom Artist at Rolf Harris' trial. Talk about pressure.
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"Can you tell who it is yet"
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Foinavon. |
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Wouldn't it be great if people had numbers above their heads representing the number of people they'd slept with? Boys could quickly work out how easy their date was, girls would know if their man was cheating, and I'd get a really cool halo.
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"I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," my wife snapped as she walked out the door.
"Please, babe, don't go," I pleaded. "Think of our son." "What son?" she said. "You're not pregnant?" |
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After the success of the George Foreman grill, Muhammad Ali is bringing out his new hand held smoothie shaker.
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I won the Lottery last night.
I haven't told the wife yet, I can't use my phone on the plane. |
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It was one of the best moments of married life when my son finally found out Father Christmas wasn't real.
I overheard him telling his sister in her bedroom, "It's actually our parents who do it!" My daughter said, "But I can't believe dad would do that?!" Then he said these beautiful words and earned himself that new bike: "It's not dad, it can't be. Mum's the only one fat enough, with a beard." |
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They asked 100 men if they preferred women with slim or plump legs. 3% said plump, 5% said slim and 92% said they preferred something in-between.
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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
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My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.
So I killed his mum. |
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An Englishman,A Scotsman,An Irishman,A Latvian,A Turk,An Aussie,A Yank,An Egyptian,A ****,A Mexican,A Spaniard,A Greek,A Russian,An Estonion,A German,A Frenchman,An Italian,A Pole,A Lithuanian,A Swede,A Finn,An Israeli,A Bulgarian,A Romanian,A Serb,A Chzeck,and a Swiss went to a Nightclub
The Bouncer Says "I Can't let you Lads In Without a Thai" |
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I was in the park yesterday enjoying the sunshine when I heard this argument going on,
There was this couple having a right go at each other,he then turned and hit her, she shouted some more so he hit her again. just happend a policeman turned up and tried to calm everything down,not a chance the man grabbed the policemans batton and strted hitting both of them. What happend next was amazing. A crocodile appeared and ate the sausages.. |
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I like that one too ^^
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I've read that joke 10 times and I still don't get it
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Have you never had the misfortune of a UK beach holiday Kenbo
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