We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
Over the coming months, the Betfair Community platform will be winding down. The final active day for the platform will be December 21st. From December 22nd, users will no longer be able to access the platform.
Your discussions, insights, engagement, and, most importantly, feedback have helped shape the platform and guided innovation. Your feedback continues to be important to us, and we will continue to listen via our dedicated feedback channels, as well as through product testing and innovations.
To share your feedback and experience, visit: https://support.betfair.com/app/home
Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs. |
|
By:
The other day I was trying to make a noise with two of my fingers and my thumb, and no matter how much I practiced nothing seemed to work...
Then it clicked |
|
By:
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries. |
|
By:
What do you call a swimmer with no arms and no legs?
A Clever Dick. |
|
By:
Australia have just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are.
Government sources suggest around 60,000. Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million of the *****. |
|
By:
sheppy123
08 Sep 13 17:16 Joined: 28 May 12 | Topic/replies: 599 | Blogger: sheppy123's blog What do you call a swimmer with no arms and no legs? Bob |
|
By:
Has he got a dick?
|
|
By:
My dad never loved me as a child.
I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult. |
|
By:
Modern day cars are so far advanced,the engine management system on mine even knows who the owner is by the style of driving.
Today mine locked me out and told me to fcuk off. |
|
By:
"Before you go, can you toss another load into the washing machine," called my wife.
"You kinky *****" I thought, unzipping my flies. |
|
By:
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
|
|
By:
my next door neighbours lost the plot. The council have taken his allotment off him
|
|
By:
‘The Grand Old Duke of York – he was a manic depressive. Well, when he was up, he was up…’
|
|
By:
The plane's about to land in Glasgow passengers are reminded to set their watches back 25 years.
|
|
By:
An Irishman walks into a bar in Cork, Ireland and asks the barman about the quickest was to get to Dublin.
"Are you walking or driving?" The Irishman says that he is driving. The barkeep says, "That's the quickest way!" I'll go now |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
I've just been diagnosed with kleptomania. Is there anything I can take for it...?
|
|
By:
DW3
|
|
By:
I hate it when women turn the light off before having sex.
It makes it awfully difficult for me to see them through the window. |
|
By:
Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public.
|
|
By:
You think things are all legal or illegal in this country. In Ireland that’s not the way we do it.
We’re got a greater appreciation of the greyness of the human condition, between the white and the black. There are three states of legality in Irish law. All this stuff here which comes under ‘That’s grand’ then it moves into ‘Ah now, don’t push it’ and finally it moves into ‘Right, you’re taking the piss’ - that’s when the police sweep in. (Dara O’Briain) |
|
By:
I went for a job in a west end hotel.
I did warn the manager that I sometimes misunderstood long words. He said 'No problem, just fill in the questionnaire.' So I went outside and beat up the doorman. |
|
By:
I've just filled a container in France with refugees and charged them £500 each...
I just wish I could see their faces when it gets opened in Afghanistan... |
|
By:
Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?
Osmoses |
|
By:
"My wife's gone on holiday. I didn't make her. She went of her own accord."
"Nevertheless, sir, we do have a warrant to search the house." |
|
By:
"My wife's gone on holiday.
Jamaica? No she went of her own accord." |
|
By:
Did you know the collective noun for ducks is a paddle if they're in water, a flight if they're in the air, and a starter if they're in a pancake?
|
|
By:
Jo Brand
I've got a soft spot for Nick Clegg. Face down on Hackney marshes. My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy Andrew Marr looks like Martin Clunes with some of the air let out. I was worried about my health, so I went to see my GP. I said "Is it too late for me as a fat middle aged woman?" He said "No, it's never too late, just do something a couple of times a week that gets you slightly out of breath." So I started smoking again. |
|
By:
Milton Jones
When I was a child I suffered from a condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day. Lucky my older brother told me about it really. Don’t go camping in the countryside. Have you noticed whenever the police find a body it’s always in a tent. My dad was a dustman. I didn't like him coming to collect us from school though. It's not that I was ashamed he was a dustman, it's just that you never knew which day he was going to come. |
|
By:
Milton Jones
I'll tell you what's a nasty insect....That hepatitis B. |
|
By:
Milton Jones,
I'll tell you a dangerous place to swim......that hepatitis C. The pollen count.............that a difficult job. |
|
By:
Stewart Francis
I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows. Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes. I was standing in the park thinking why does a frisby appear larger the closer it gets, and then it hit me. At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair. |
|
By:
I was standing in the park thinking why does a frisby appear larger the closer it gets, and then it hit me.
|
|
By:
Stewart Francis, brilliant one liners.
|
|
By:
yes bitfox all good
but that one was right up my street |
|
By:
Stewart Francis again.
So what if I can't spell armaggedon. It's not the end of the world. We have a little girl who we named after my mom. In fact Passive Agressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow. Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree. He is still bitter and twisted. I’d like to dedicate this to my father, who was a roofer. So Dad, if you’re up there... |
|
By:
And again,...... I like farting in lifts, which is wrong on so many levels.
|
|
By:
My grandfather fought at the side of the Duke Of Wellington, then at the side of Lord Palmerston, then outside the Coach and Horses and finally in the car park of the Red Bull. What a night that was.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1935 my grandfather confessed to 5 murders on his death bed. Then he got better. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- They hung my grandfather 3 times, and each time, the rope snapped. It was just a stage he was going through. |
|
By:
|
|
By:
Gary Delaney
The president of France said this week that english speakers are arrogant in their refusal to learn foreign languages - at least I think that's what he said. I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell "schadenfreude" and I couldn't. But he's dead now and I'm not, so I win. I could tell it was a Monopoly board from the word go. I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov, thinking "Those stupid dogs." Then the bell went and we all had lunch. |