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Chit Chat
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These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Yes it's a great thread. Keep up the good work bigmo!
Had a lot of laughs on here!  |
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Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right.
great |
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Thanks sheppy and MisterBadger.
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick". |
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would endorse the pats on the back for bigmo. He should have a knighthood for his services to ChitChat.
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Cheers HH.
My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with the lads. They thought the movie was sh1t. But that was nothing compared to my sh1t night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up. |
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Queen Elizabeth andDolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.' The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?' 'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.....  |
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My wife was reading one of her magazines and turned to me and asked "Have you ever shagged a fat munter?"
She said it with a straight face too. |
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I hadn't been laid for six months until last night, when my ex girlfriend called and said she fancied a f***.
Now, I'm not saying that I couldn't wait, but I did manage to get flashed by two speed cameras on the way to her house. Which is quite impressive considering I was on foot. |
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@ bigmo
Quality |
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Cheers akabula.
Nice offer on Amazon - if you buy all Adam & The Ants sheet music, they'll throw in a stand & deliver. |
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I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre today...well i think it was him..couldn't be absolutely sure because he had his back to the fuchsias
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Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!" Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said "Remember that **** I promised you?" |
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Talk about ruin a punchline.b10w j0b.
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What do you call an Australian who knows how to handle a bat?
A vet |
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2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate,
when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses. |
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bigmo,did they ever discover who nicked Bob Monkhouse's joke book?
(only kidding,wd mate). |
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Paddy comes across to Liverpool from Dublin, to visit his friend, Mick.
Mick says. "Paddy, tell me, is there a B & Q in Dublin?" Paddy thinks fer a while..............then says............. Oim not sure, but there's two D's in Dundalk |
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Roquebrune
I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No 'fence. Nun taken. |
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Scottish Chilli
> A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow...... > > He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring > blankly at a bowl of chilli. > > After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry > bloke bravely asks, > > "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" > > The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, > > "Nah, ye can gae ahead." > > Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his > place and starts spooning it in with delight. > > He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the > chilli. > > The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into > the bowl. > > The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too". I'll get my coat........ |
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knock knock.
Who's there? Comma. Comma who? Comma home and give me some treats. Ha ha. knock knock. I have to get back to work. No wonder nobody ever invites you to parties. |
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I've just found that my Wii remote doesn't work if you take it out of the sync region.
Much like my wife. |
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one of my all time favourites is -
A little kid was playing wearing his dads welding mask when a pervert walks up to him. "Ever seen a fánny?,do you like t1ts?,do you know what ****s are?" said the pervert!! The kid says,"I'm not a real welder you know" |
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one of my all time favourites is - A little kid was playing wearing his dads welding mask when a pervert walks up to him. "Ever seen a fánny?,do you like t1ts?,do you know what bl0w j0bs are?" said the pervert!! The kid says,"I'm not a real welder you know" |
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Scottish Chilli
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I want my Scottish chilli voted on - its either a 10/10 or a 1/10 - I can't figure which
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On a trip to the south coast once at school, I remember the geography teacher saying "if you look over there, on a good day you can see the Isle of Wight, and if you look over that way, on a bad day you can see France"...
was the first time i heard it anyway |
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Moyes spent 11 years trying to get Everton above Man Utd and now he's finally achieved it, Well Done.
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I'm sorry to tell you lmfao, but its a 1/10 imo.
But keep them coming. |
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"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.
"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned. |
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More than a quarter of 18 to 24-year-olds in Britain do not trust Muslims, a BBC Radio 1 poll suggests.
But that's got nothing on the number of 1 to 16-year- olds that don't trust BBC employees. |
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I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world. |
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Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
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Two lepers playing poker. One threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off.
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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession... I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. ‘Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's. At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'... |
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You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the DIY store try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw.
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HH, the welder joke, expanded a bit and with a few welding type noises from the kid, who I remember being 'special' is my favourite joke ever. I can remember us telling it c. 1984.
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Heard a good one on the tele last night.
Wife to husband: 'I'm sick of your OCD so I'm leaving you' 'Right, well shut the door 5 times on your way out' |
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At the end of a heavy nights drinking I got a taxi to a brothel.
"I've never done something like this before, so ... erm... how does this work?", I asked nervously. "Well, you tell me where you want to go and then we drive there", said the taxi driver. |