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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has. |
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Who else's heart skips for a split second when your wife asks to use your computer?
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"I'm a 14-year-old girl looking for a 45-55 year old man for online webcam fun. Email me: operationlolita@metpolice.uk"
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My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists.
They performed unspeakable acts on her. |
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Some more crackers there bigmo, I just wish I could remember some of them.
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I hate some of the excuses women come up with for not having sex. Like:
"I'm on my period." "I've got a headache." Or "Get your hands off my neck I don't even know you." |
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The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had t!ts in it.
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What's the biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film." |
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If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it r@pe... or shoplifting?
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Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command. |
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Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your d!ck...
Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started. |
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I organised a threesome last night...
There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time. |
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Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your wife walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.
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My wife couldn't have looked more upset during our anniversary dinner.
Which was slightly ironic as she munched her way through her Happy Meal. |
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I threw a dart at a map of the world on my bedroom wall the other day, and went to where it landed.
I had a fantastic 3 days sat next to my wall. |
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Munching her way through a happy meal
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Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. |
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Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my latte. |
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John
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You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
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My 84 year old grandad was decorating our front room earlier and unfortunately whilst in the middle of doing so his body gave up and he kicked the bucket.
The daft b*stard got paint everywhere! |
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BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. **** And the WINNER is... **** FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Children Are Quick ____________________________________ TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher |
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You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
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Teacher: = If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: = Seven, Sir. Teacher: = No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: = Seven, Sir. Teacher: = Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: = Six. Teacher: = Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: = Seven!!! SIR! A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!? A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fcukin' cat |
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s.kenbo 25 Oct 13 19:04
Some more crackers there bigmo, I just wish I could remember some of them. |
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The cat one
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Yorkshireman: It's my wife Dr I can't seem to get her pregnant
Doctor Has she got the coil in? Man: Has she eckerslike - she's noreven washed spuds yet. |
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cat joke
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"cat for sale"
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Some crackers, like the coal one Kenny.
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I saw a cat getting blown down the street earlier.
Craziest case of bestiality I've ever seen. |
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Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter bollocks.
I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling... All she gave up was f*cking sex. |
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As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like sh!t."
"Last night was crazy." I replied. "What happened?" he asked. "Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome." "Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked. "No, she was out." |
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I went into a shop today to buy a Dracula costume.
The girl tried to sell me a Manchester United shirt. I said, "I think you misheard me", I said "I wanted to look like a Count!" |
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The biggest downside of sudden unexpected death is being unable to delete your Internet search history.
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I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."
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I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.
Just kept going on and on about a huge rave. |