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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen. Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car? A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both. Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common? A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from. |
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an Aussie mate has already emailed me two of those
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May as well get the last ones out the way to ease the pain HH
 Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason. Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies? A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball. Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director? A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes. |
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Geezer wants to Patent an apple that hes grown.............claims that it tastes of "****"..................so the Patent officer takes a bite & immediatally spits it out..............."It tastes of sh1t!"
now turn it round |
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p u s s y
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ffs..........thought we had a C A T thread................
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^ I don't get it
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Have you heard about a computer virus which fills your internet history with hundreds of pornographic websites, then plants a folder somewhere on your hard drive containing over 5Gb of carefully-catalogued explicit images and videos?
If you have, please could you tell my wife that one definitely exists? |
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My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
"What did you get?" I asked. "26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000." I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents." (From sickipedia) |
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harry ffs.
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(The old ones are the best)
Subject: Police Comments These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country: #16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." #14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?" #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." #2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." The envelope please..................... AND THE WINNER IS.... #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. |
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Brilliant as usual Bigmo , keep em coming...
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Thanks workrider.
yo mama so fat that she gave dracula diabetes Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washington's nose Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water |
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Mate if we wanted sh!te jokes from the US, repetitively, we would go on sh!te websites and find them.
Save yourself the trouble, they are about as funny as watching paint dry! "yo mama so fat that she gave dracula diabetes" Really! |
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Actually that's quite funny!
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Another oldie ,heard on R4 Last night a prog about the late great dave allen.
A nun in a convent gets up and makes her way for prayers and breakfast,As she passes a sister the sister says you got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning, She goes a bit further and another sister says yoy got out of bed the wrong side this morning. This happens a further 20 times until finaly she passes the mother superior who says sister can I have a word before she can reply the sister says if you say you got out of bed the wrong side this morning i,ll scream and swear. the mother superior says I wasn't going to say that .I was going to ask why are you wearing the Bishops slippers. |
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RIP Trigger
Trigger on his dad: He died a couple of years before I was born. ****** Rodney: Why do you call me Dave, Trig’? My name’s not Dave, Its Rodney. Trigger: Are you sure? Rodney: Yes, I’ve checked it on my birth certificate and everything, it's definitely Rodney. Trigger: So what’s Dave, a nickname, like? Rodney: No - you’re the only person who calls me Dave, everybody else calls me Rodney - and the reason they call me Rodney, is because Rodney is my name. Trigger: Well, I shall have to get used to calling you Rodney from now on. Rodney: Thank you. Trigger: How long are you going to be, Baz? Me and Dave haven’t got all day. ***** Trigger: What's the name of that bloke who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner? ***** Trigger: Problems, Dave? Rodney: I don't want to talk about it Trig. You ever been wrongly accused of something? Trigger: Yeah, once. Rodney: Yeah, How did you get out of it? Trigger: Well I didn't - I was guilty. ***** Rodney: As I was saying. On a cold, rainy night in Peckham, someone has arranged for you four to be here in in this room - together. No one knows who. And the most frightening aspect of the whole mystery - no one knows why! Now, think hard. Who would do something like that? Trigger: Jeremy Beadle? ***** Mike: What name have they decided on? Trigger: If it's a girl they're calling it Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him Rodney after Dave! ***** Denzil: You ever thought of getting married, Trig? Trigger: No, I haven't met the right person yet, but I've always had this sort of image of my perfect woman, sort of my dream girl. Denzil: What's she like? Trigger: Oh she's nothing to look at, very plain, little scar on her chin where she had a wart removed. ***** Trig: This old broom has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles ***** Trigger: Sometimes I think about the future. I don't want to end up a lonely bachelor like my cousin Ronnie. Then again he always had a strange taste in women. Denzil: In what way? Trigger: Well, they were men! ***** Rodney: Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home. Trigger: You've got a hat now, have you, Dave? ***** Del: Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage. Trigger: They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it. Mike: So what happened Trig? Trigger: He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff. Albert: What, he was gonna drive off it? Trigger: Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen. Del: But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid. Rodney: No! Who held the whip-round? Del: All the passengers on his bus. ***** Denzil: That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein! Trigger: Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager has got to do with it anyway. ***** Del: It's closed! Trigger: (checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?. Del: What d'you mean "a bit late"? You said it was open 24 hours a day. Trigger: Yeah, but not at night! ***** Rodney: So ummm... what you doing here, Trig? Trigger: Well Del said he'd give me a lift to the pub. Rodney: Oh, right. But you live closer to the pub than us. Trigger: I know. Rodney: In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this flat. Trigger: Yeah? But Del said he'd give me a lift! ***** Del: This is my punishment, isn't it? Spending the rest of my life in this wheelchair. Trigger: Still, it could have been worse. Mike: How? Trigger: My gran had one with a squeaky wheel. ***** |
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I just got back from a pleasure trip..........
I took my mother-in-law to the airport |
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I just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday mate.
Never again  |
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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" |
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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" |
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OOPS.
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer” My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the 'Dead Sea' |
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Sex Insurance
Just like you can get insurance for Cars, Property,Sports etc, you can now get insurance for sex !! so make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:- Sex with your wife - Legal & General. Sex on the telephone - Direct Line Sex with your Partner - Standard Life Sex with someone Different - Go Compare Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability Sex with an OAP - Saga Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident and finally Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com |
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Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO" |
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Tetley have just issued a very easy method on how to make the perfect cup of tea...They simply instruct you to just agitate
the bag. So I went home and said to her "Hey,whale blubber get yourself in that kitchen and make me a perfect cuppa NOW! Tetley lied. |
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David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .
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Being tucked up in the "MAN U" quilt every night..............
Its not fair on the kids |
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Three grooms are sat having a drink at the bar of their hotel on their wedding night when an argument breaks out about who will have the best night of sex with their new brides. After an hour of bickering one of the men comes up with a solution, however many times each of then gets their leg over that night they'll order the same amount of toast at breakfast the next morning.
Breakfast comes and the waiter approaches the table of the first groom, he looks up confidently and says "3 slices of toast for me please". The waiter comes to take the order from the second groom who looks over at the first, smiles wryly and proclaims "4 slices for me please" As the waiter approaches the third groom he booms out "i'll have 8 slices please". As the other two look at each other with amazement the third groom calls back to the waiter...." you'd better make 4 of them brown" |
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Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple; by the nail over its stall' Carol explains with confidence Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ...... 'To hang your trousers on of course' |
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"What's up Dave, you look a bit glum?" I asked my mate earlier.
"I got 'relieved' of my job today without any pay or my bonuses, just because I had sex with my secretary." He moaned. "****, that's harsh." I replied. "What should you have got?" "Consent, apparently." |
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I've just invented a new word:
"Plagiarism" |
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Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."
"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic. |
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My manhood has become a bit green, floppy and scaly. I think I've got a reptile dysfunction...
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Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children.
Nowadays, the average child has four parents. |
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bigmo:
This isn't a joke - but some stuff that you may be interested in on this twitter feed, if you look back at the posts from yesterday (January 24) Apologies for the picture of the Norwegian Winter Olympic Curling team! https://twitter.com/BeyondTLM |
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I turned on the radio at 10-00 a.m. for the traffic news.
The announcer said 'The A4 is stationary' I already knew that, what about the traffic? |