THE JOB INTERVIEW

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," He said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course, you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. "
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

The Politically Correct Brigade tried to stop me fishing. So I now do it on a nudist beach where no one says anything when I get my tackle out...

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Went on a tour of a haunted pub the other day?

Couldn't believe the number of spirits I saw behind the bar.

Scientists have just discovered a new element, it is known by the symbol Ha! the element of surprise !

On the radio, they've supported Mental Health Day with the tagline .."Remember you're not alone."

A bit harsh on the schizophrenics.

i might print all these pages off, bind it into a book and give it my wife's ' right on ' sister as an xmas pressie !...

boxing

Scouser walks into a library ...

Scouser: "Excuse me, lass. I'm looking for a book about Liverpool Football Club in the Premier League era".

Librarian: "Not got a title?"

Scouser: "Yeah, that's the one"

a psychoanalyst shows a patient a picture of an ink block and says what do you see, the patient says a man and a woman making love.

He show him another Ink block, asks the same question, the patient says a man and a woman making love.

10 Ink blocks later with the same reply leads the psychoanalyst to declare....Your problem is you are obsessed with sex. The paitent says me obsessed! you're the one with all the dirty pictures.

I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're halfway down the road now. Just keep running!!

halfway down the road, PMSL

I thought I'd never laugh again when my wife lost nine of her fingers in a firework accident...

That was until I saw her putting on her makeup.

Old sayings

If we were talking at the table ma would say shut your mouth and eat your dinner she would also say if you fall off that wall and break your legs don't come running to me.

My wife and her sister got caught in a thundershower on the way home from weight watchers earlier...
..It was the funniest example of saturated fats I'd ever seen.

This is a story about 4 people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. there was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it. but Nobody realized Everybody would do it. It ended up the Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”

Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard.

What’s the difference between BOOM! Aaaaargh! And Aaaaaargh! BOOM!?

The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.

My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
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I can tell you I nearly sh!t her pants.