My wife's a good looker...
wherever I hide my money, she always finds it.

Greta Thunberg's face definitely looks Swedish.
It could also be described as Turnipish or Potatoish.

My wife's a good looker...
wherever I hide my money, she always finds it.

lol. So true.

I heard Facebook had published a list of 71 genders but when I looked there were only 70.
Someone's hidden a gender if you ask me.

A minister, Im America is baptising 'born again Christiansin in the river that runs by the church.

Each one in turn is asked Do you believe in GOD? they reply yes everyone shouts hallelujah, the minister thens pushes their heads in to the water and when he puls them out asks Did you see Jesus, yes is the reply, everyone shouts hallelujah!

After 15 of these the minister sees this drunken straggler heading his way, when he gets to him he is asked Do you believe in God? yessh days the drunk,....hallelujah! his head is pushed under and when he comes up is asked did you see Jesus, NOOOO says the drunk. everyone groans in disbelief.

The minister has never had this happen to him before and it can't be left like this, a second time he goes into the water with the same result, the minister won't be beaten, so into the water again with the drunk with the ministers boot on his neck for good measure, when he is finally pulled out coughing spluttering is asked DID YOU SEE JESUS! ...NOOOOO says the drunk, and asks ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE HE FELL IN!

I pushed the boat out on my wife's birthday.

She should be in the middle of the North Sea by the time the sleeping tablets wear off.

My new loan shark really does have a heart of gold.

He said if I couldn't make the first payment towards the loan by Thursday night then he would take my whole family out at the weekend!

Q. Two Extinction Rebellion activists, a short fat one and a tall thin one, climb to the top of The Shard and then jump off. They plummet to the street below and splat, splat, both dead on the pavement, claret and bones everywhere. But which one hit the ground first?
A. Sorry, I wasn't watching, can you get another two to jump please.

Nebs

My parents asked me if I was certain I wanted to identify as a roll-on deodorant.

"Yes, I'm sure, " I said.

When I’m having sex, the one thing I really like my wife to do is...
the shopping.

I'm actually quite proud of my gay son, especially as he's grown up to become a dentist.

He still gets livid though when I call him the Tooth Fairy.

Foxymoron ...a woman who's incredible good looks are counterbalanced by a complete lack of any form of intelligence.

Do Southampton need a new manager? Perhaps a German one.
NEIN

i agree with escapee ,bigmo is a gem amongst forumites,enjoy your break.

Come back inspired bigmo!

You are much appreciated.

Whats the difference between a Lada and a sheep? Its less embarrassing getting out of the back of the sheep

Mistress
-------------------------

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips
to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti
or Lexus in the garage
and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Thanks for the kind words.