I have a penchant.

This is my pen.
This is my pen.
This is my pen.
This is my pen.

"Why do your t1ts keep falling out?"
I asked Liam and Noel Gallaghers mum

Hank

I used to breed rabbits. Then I realized they can handle it themselves.

Google request:
How to disable autocorrect in wife?

pay in advance.

Argentina is surprisingly cold.

In fact, it's bordering on Chile.

Anyway,
How Long does someone have to be dead before you can dig them back up, remove their jewellery and claim it as an archaeological discovery?

Brilliant as usual Bigmo....

I was wondering which phone was the best: The new iPhone 11 or the new Samsung Galaxy Note.

Then it suddenly hit me:

I'm 57, not fekin 12.

A FATHER’S LEGACY

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education … and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his chequebook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

If sperm is good for your skin and makes you look younger? Then how come my hands both look the same age.

Remainer: I demand a second referendum!.

Brexit voter: Why, have you changed your mind?.

Remainer: No, I want you to change yours.

The Judge asked me if I thought his duck impression was a good one.

I replied “Yes Mallard”

I've just had a long, hard look in the mirror.
Some joker put Viagra in my eye drops.

Treacherous Trump betrays our Kurdish allies and gives the green light to President Erdogan's Turkish army to attack them.
Now 10'000 isis fighters defeated and held prisoner by the Kurds will be released as they retreat, possibly creating a new Islamic state caliphate or worse fleeing to the west to commit more acts of terror.

But in more important news some chav non-entity married to a fat famous granny sh*gging scouser has a slagging match on social media with Darth Vaders wife.

Congratulations to Thomas Cook for setting a wonderful example to others
on how to reduce carbon emissions.

A couple of dogs were sat in the kitchen chewing the fat. The first dog “I heard a good joke today”. The Second dog “Go on then”
The first dog “Knock Kno...
The second dog leaps up and goes berserk.

I popped into a place called Dan's Cafe for a bite to eat but was sickened by all the non-stop George Michael music and memorabilia, I'm sure it was putting subliminal George Michael lyrics in my head...

I'm never going to Dan's again

Yes.  A rich vein of form at the moment.

It's funny how definitions have changed for parents over the years.

Your child is not 'badly behaved and a bit thick', they've got ADHD.
They're not a 'sissy', they're born in the wrong body,
They're not an 'interfering, opinionated, annoying little ****', they're a vegan.