Poor soul at the bakery got electrocuted, he put his foot on a bun and got a currant up his leg.

bigmo - apologies if you've allready done this one..


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

We had Korean meatballs for tea tonight , they were the dogs bollox.

I was walking in London when a UFO landed in the street. A little green man came out and said, 'Take me to your leader.'

I replied, 'Right this way mate, don't forget your ray gun.'

"Well Dave, thanks for bringing your plate to the Antiques Roadshow...Unfortunately, it's not Ming Dynasty as you'd hoped but, the good news is, it's Microwave and Dishwasher Safe."

I watched my son walk back to the pavilion,

"Well done son, " I said, "you'll play for England one day. "

"Dad, " he replied, "I was bowled out for a duck, twice. "

"I know son, I know, " I answered.

this guy just moved into town goes to his nearest pub, outside is an  old Nun and she says don't go in there it's full of Sin and depravity,... whooa how do you know?...I've been told...

  So have you ever had a drink yourself?, no actually but I know from what I've been told. Well to prove that is correct, don't you think you should prove /disprove that once and for all. what you preach is correct

Well what will you have? I don't know, do I, what about a Gin & tonic, OK then but only in a cup, I dont want people to know I'm drinking.....So the guy goes up to the bar and orders a pint and Whiskey chaser abd a Gin and tonic, and says to the barman the G&T in a cup please, The barman says is that f****ng Nun outside again!!!

"You don't open up bras very often?" she asked me.

"No," I replied, "What gave me away?"

"The scissors."

A cowboy emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

I saw a bloke with one arm and one leg was about to be hanged.

I started shouting out letters.

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Just got a job at the casino. Ideal.

Bingo hall down the road is having a special night tonight for dyslexics. If you think you’ve won, you shout BOING.

An Irish woman has just been kicked off 'Who wants to be a millionaire' for masturbating! She didn't quite understand the fastest finger first.

I had oasis soup the other day, it's like normal soup, but you got a roll with it

They say men can't multitask.

What a load of rubbish.

I can have sex with my wife and think about a completely different woman at the same time

Bloke comes home from the hospital after being told he only has 24 hours to live and his wife offers to do anything to make his last few hours happy. Well,can we go upstairs and have sex one more time he says. Smiling she concurs and they both get on with it. For tea she makes his favourite mixed grill and he suggests going upstairs again and they do it again.For supper he gets another treat and they go off to bed again and he does the business again and drift off to sleep. He wakes her up again in the middle of the night and this time she says what do you want now,dont you know some of us have to go to work tomorrow !!

A comment made on normal political site.

The topic under discussion was The Speaker being incredibly arrogant
about Parliament returning.

Anyway, a poster said -

"Bercow should be hanged from the nearest doorknob".

Looks like Thomas Cook will join
Woolworths
JJB Sports
Toys R Us
Blockbuster

as companies, I've been the manager of on my CV