When a woman says, "we need to talk",
Why is it never about football

I witnessed a council worker squashing an innocent snail with his boot, "what did you do that for" I asked......he replied bloody thing has been following me all day.

cooperman

Find a penny,
Pick it up,
And all day long
You'll have good luck.*

*Advice not valid in prison showers

****-s

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

I didn't think wearing orthopaedic shoes would work, but I stand corrected.

I’ve seen a bear open a door, climb a ladder, play a horn and ride a bike but I still don’t believe it can make porridge.

They had to get a translator in at the benefits office today....some cheeky sod came in speaking English!!!.

My mate is so engrossed with the technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat.

When his mum finds out she's going to ring his neck.

Lads, make your wife or girlfriend know how you feel walking around shops with her, by making her sit through you trying to pick a video on Pornhub...

I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television - up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid.

I do love our excuses [for eating dessert]. 'I have a sweet tooth.' Oh, so you're ordering it for your tooth, that's interesting. Because it's going straight to your ass. I think your ass owes your tooth an explanation.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband... She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Aer Lingus" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Aer Lingus?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to me.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Aer Lingus's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to Premier Class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a multi-million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?"

A gynaecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility decided he had to have a complete change of career.

After giving it some thought, he decided that as he was quite serious about keeping his car in good order, then becoming a qualified car mechanic could fit the bill for something he enjoyed and was reasonably good at doing.

However he knew that modern engines and systems were very different from his old veteran sports car, so he enrolled in a course at the local technical college. As he had a science-based education he pretty much walked through all the theory parts, and also did well in the practical tests. The final exam however required each student to strip and reassemble a complete modern engine that had a few deliberately introduced problems.

It was with a bit of concern that he started this last test. When he had finished he turned the engine over to the examiners for their final marking.

When the results were announced he was astounded to see that he had been given a final mark of 150%.

He asked his instructor how it was possible to receive such a mark.

“It was simple,” said the instructor. “We gave you 50% for identifying the problems and stripping down the engine”.

“We gave you another 50% for flawlessly putting it all back together again”

“However we felt we just had to give you another 50% for your astounding ability to do all this through the exhaust pipe!”

I said to the wife "Let's go out for dinner tonight"... She replied back with that old classic "I have nothing to wear"...
..so I said to her "Just put on what you wore last time we went out, you looked beautiful"...

..so there we were in the local steak house, me in a t-shirt and jeans and her in her feckin wedding dress!

I cannot believe the poor quality of training these large companies give their staff. I just popped into Waterstones and I noticed Tony Blair's book, A Journey, in the 'Biographies' section.
Anyway, before I left I picked it up at placed it in 'True Crime' for them.