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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg.
I told him "the weird thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear the latest tunes playing " He said, "oh you have a severe case of spotty thigh". |
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My neighbour said I hate Boris Johnson. Since he became prime minister, I've started getting up an hour early so I can hate him for longer
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“What’s your name?" asked a policeman when he stopped me.
"Wayne," I said. "And your last name?" he continued. "It's always been, Wayne," I said. |
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I have such a caring, generous, and thoughtful wife.
I came home early the other day; she’d bought me a new suit and carefully draped it over the chair in our bedroom. |
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Two of us washed up on a desert island, the only survivors of a shipwreck.
"There are no animals here but there's plenty of fruit and plants," said the other bloke, "this is Paradise because I'm a vegan." He laughed and said, "You'll have to become vegan too." "No, I won't," I said, as I picked up a rock. |
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Don't you think it's pretty cool that the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos?
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My wife said she would love to go back to the 1960s to see what it would be like, so I took her to Cleethorpes for the day.
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"Do you have any change for a cup of tea?"
"Yeah, try coffee." |
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 I like that one bigmo  |
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I've reached that age now where I see a pretty girl on the street and think, 'If only I was 20 years younger and attractive to women.'
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I was born with a rare condition - I had only a single bum cheek - and recently had an operation to correct the problem.
I can't thank the surgeons enough. They made a complete @rse of it. |
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My mate with a stutter was telling me about his nan.
By the end of it, we were all singing Hey Jude |
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I have this OCD trait where I have to quickly unlock and lock the doors at least 3 times so I feel comfortable they really are locked...
You may not think it sounds that bad...but I'm a prison warden. |
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I've had it with Amazon.
Every time I order some chicken pellets I get an email a few days later asking for their feed back! |
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My pet shark has converted to Islam.
He now wants to be known as Mohammerhead. |
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"Welcome aboard the Harmony of the Seas. Your name please, sir?"
"Mr Womenandchildrenfirst." |
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Donna a girl at work has put on a bit of weight and has taken up speed walking at lunchtime.
She asked the lads If they wanted anything while she was out. One of the lads asked if she could stop by the deli and get him a bottle of tabasco. Later when she got back to the workshop she said "who wants this tabasco" Chris shouts out "anyone order a large Donna with chilli sauce" |
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I was chatting to a pretty blonde in the pub, "Would you sleep with me if I offered you two million pounds?"
She thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I suppose I would." "How about twenty quid?" I asked "What kind of woman do you think I am?" she snarled. "We've already established that," I replied, "now we're just haggling over the price." |
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"Welcome aboard the Harmony of
the Seas. Your name please, sir?" "Mr Womenandchildrenfirst." |
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Donna a girl at work has put on a bit of weight and has taken up speed walking at lunchtime.
She asked the lads If they wanted anything while she was out. One of the lads asked if she could stop by the deli and get him a bottle of tabasco. Later when she got back to the workshop she said "who wants this tabasco" Chris shouts out "anyone order a large Donna with chilli sauce" |
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Sorry, not concentrating. You've seen those.
For those who don't know, Nominative determinism is the concept of someone gravitating towards actions that fit their name. Examples include: Constable Constable of the Metropolitan police Mr Burns the firefighter The Arctic explorer Daniel Snowman Princess Di |
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"Unexpected item in the bagging area"
Not the nicest way for the doctor to tell me I've got testicular cancer. |
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I've lost the instructions on how to build a propeller for my aircraft...
So I'm just going to have to wing it. |
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To avoid a general election. |
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3D printers are so realistic now. I printed out a life-sized Bob Marley playing the guitar and the paper started jammin'.
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My new neighbour Leroy asked if I could guess what his job is. "I'll give you a clue," he said... "I get paid for telling people to put their hands in the air."
Apparently he's a DJ and I'm a racist for guessing Bankrobber. |
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World Photography Day - not everywhere, just the developed nations...
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The doctor told my wife that the tickling sensation she had been feeling in her head was caused by a parasitic insect trapped inside her auditory canal.
He said he wasn't able to remove it that day and to come back 2 days later. My wife got quite rude and caused a scene, demanding to be treated immediately. The doctor refused to be bullied and sent her home with a flea in her ear. |
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Jeremy Corbyn walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?" Corbyn :"Actually, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party. Cashier:"Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Corbyn: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Corbyn, but these are the bank rules under the legislation, and I must follow them." Corbyn,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque." Cashier: "Look, sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque." "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?" Corbyn stands there thinking and thinking and finally says "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue" Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes Mr Corbyn. |
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My Uncle Frank has just left me a stately home in his will, I don't know where Sod Hall is but I'm thrilled.
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The Beach Boys stood at the bar.
Round? Round... Get a round? I'll get a round. |
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I'm not sure if you knew this, but if you rearrange the letters in LGBT...
You'll probably offend someone. |
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Someone called me condescending today.
(That means talking down to people) |
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A new car has been launched for American cowboys.
The Audi Partner. |
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How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or maybe just complimenting you on your driving?
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I came home and was pleasantly surprised to see my son looking intently at this Lad's Mag featuring a busty blonde model.
"I'm so glad to see you looking at this," I said to him with a fatherly nudge, "I was thinking almost for sure that you were gay." "It's good that you like this then, dad... This is what I'm seriously hoping to look like after the 'Operation'." |
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like that one ,keep em coming bigmo. |
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Thanks snowynoon.
I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm looking for that flippin dog to unlock my phone. |
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My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body...
He will be born in February. |
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My Chinese mate shouted into his iPhone "hey siri " the phone replied "what you want stupid! "
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