'Tesco to cut 4,500 jobs across 153 stores'

I guess 'Every Lidl helps'

I looked out of the window and to my utter dismay saw my wife staggering around the garden holding her chest. Instantly, I knew I had to do one thing; reload.

Some bloke offered me £250 to wrap him head to toe in leather.

I gave him a good hiding.

Biker

kincsem

Every time I try to talk to the Mrs about how bad she is at housekeeping she just sweeps it under the carpet

What gets my goat are those pikey girls who have never seen a toothbrush and insist on red lipstick.

When they smile it's like looking at the flag of Spain.

God moves in mysterious ways but Bishops move Diagonally.

Thanks bigmo, great thread.

Old McDonald had Alzheimer's
Have you any wool....

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.

Gary Delaney

I’ve just invented a new toilet with a built-in Xbox and PlayStation.

I am going to market it as “Throne of Games”

I have a phobia of abbreviations. Laugh out Loud.

On a more serious note (apologiies bigmo) I think we need to look at today's Stock Market News...

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Toilet Tissue touched a new bottom.

It's that long ago since i had sex i can't remember who ties who up first.

Joan Rivers

My brother has had to pull out of the world fire eating championship.

He's not match fit.

I said to my girlfriend the other night, 'do you want to leave the light on when we make love' to which she replied, No I would prefer it if you closed the car door ! another Joan Rivers classic

"Well, nan," I said. "This is where you will be staying eventually. Do you like it?"

"Will you give up and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace," she shouted.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Never take life too seriously.

The pope argues that abstinence is the best form of contraception and is 100% effective.

Try telling that to Mary.