Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

I kicked my wife out when she was 8 1/2 months pregnant.

No fat chicks. Rules is rules.

When my friend told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down

Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.

I went into our local chippie and said Cod and Chips twice, the assistant replied I heard you the first time !

My wife smacked me for being a lousy lover. I smacked her back for knowing the difference !

My wife has everything a man could wish for. A beard,muscles and temper !

My mate said he’s just bought his wife a 24-carat gold vibrator for her birthday.
I think he must be going soft in his old age.

I'm proud to be unique.
I just wish there were more people like me.

My golf was so bad, I decided to get some lessons from a pro. I asked him "What's wrong with my game?"

He said my main problem was that I'm standing too close to the ball when I hit it, and said my best bet was to cut a few inches off my clubs.

I asked if that would make me play better. He said, "No, but it'll make it easier to fit the clubs in the bin".

I came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.
She'd lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.
I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park

So what if the new Bond is played by a black woman? It’s 2019, and race and gender don’t matter. For God's sake, Women’s tennis has been dominated by two black brothers for the past 15 years.

Pay attention, bond, this gadget may well get you out of a tight spot.
This ordinary looking handkerchief easily turns into a Tampon with a simple twist.

Thought I saw the first-ever scouser superhero today, he was running down our street wearing a cape.

Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut.

My wife asked, "Is it just me, or is the cat putting on weight?"

Apparently, "It's just you" was the wrong answer

I said to my blonde girlfriend, "You play the buffoon so well."

She replied, "I've never learned a musical instrument in my life."

Apparently putting Alka seltzers in your mouth whilst being baptized and pretending to be possessed is not funny.

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note. Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love, P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit. Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers-by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone? Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"There y'are! It clearly says ....



Taiwan !!!!!

I used to have a nice car and a nice house until my mate introduced me to drugs.

Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

I thought he was dead ?

I went a very long time ago.