Great stuff bigmo, best thread on here by miles.

FIFA decide to limit the number of Qatar World Cup teams to 32 rather than the proposed 48.

"That's us stuffed then," said new Scotland manager Steve Clarke, " I was hoping they'd double it to 96."

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden.

They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?'' "Sex," he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old coot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

treetop


Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.

(3 September 2018, New Zealand) Sometimes the fastest method results in the deadliest outcome. The tale of Howard Miller, 39, professional welder and Darwin Award Winner, illustrates the pitfalls of ignoring high school chemistry with a time-saving invention.
Always helpful, Miller spent his last moments helping a friend weld an exhaust pipe onto a classic Holden Kingswood sedan. He arrived at the garage shed with an experimental welding kit: an LPG bottle, similar to a propane tank, in which he had mixed both components that make up oxy-acetylene welding gas: acetylene and oxygen.

Now, that last detail should send a shiver down any welder's spine! Professional welders know that these components are kept in separate tanks because, when combined, they burn hot enough to cut metal. A tank of mixed acetylene/oxygen + no flow regulator = an accident waiting to happen.

Like a scene from Breaking Bad, Mr Miller had unwittingly constructed a lethal explosive!

Once Miller unveiled his jury-**** device, his friend recognized this dangerous equation and repeatedly warned that it was crazy! Finally, he high-tailed it out of the shed while Miller, undeterred by a bit of panic, attached a torch head straight onto the bottle and lit the welding tip.

Sans regulator, the flame crept back into the bottle and the inevitable explosion flattened the shed, which also contained about twenty litres of paint thinner and gasoline. The force of the explosion was so intense it shattered the windows of neighbouring properties.

Needless to say, the friend is in need of a new car.

The deceased winner, a gentle and generous man, would surely be grateful to know that no one else was hurt in the fracas. And as a consolation prize, his tragic experiment will benefit others by demonstrating a potential consequence of skipping chemistry class.

I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

I shot a 69 at my local golf course this morning.

I won’t have people simultaneously performing oral sex on my greens!

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar.
A little Welshman runs in after them shouting, "Oy! What about us Boyo? 22 years of devolution and we still don't get recognition in these jokes."

We have guests round for dinner, the wife was busy cooking in the kitchen. I went in to fix more drinks then returned to the living room with my eyes streaming.

My mate said, "is she chopping onions they don't half irritate your eyes?" I replied, "no mate its pepper spray, I tried to touch her up as I walked past."

I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist" and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin".

Well, the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock Tudor house.

Perks of getting old.

1 Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2 In a hostage situation you're likely to be released first.
3 No one expects you to run-anywhere.
4 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
5 Your joints are more accurate than a meteorologist service.
6 People call at 9pm "did I wake you?"
7 You stop holding in your stomach whoever enters the room
8 People no longer view you as a hypochondriac
9 There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
10 Things you buy now won't wear out
11 You can eat supper at 4 pm.
12 You can live without sex but not glasses.
13 You get into heated arguments about Pension Plans.
14 You sing along to elevator music.
15 Your eyes won't get much worse.
16 Your investment into health insurance is starting to pay off.
17 Your secrets are safe with your friends as they can't remember them.
18 Your supply of brain cells are now down to a manageable size.

And remember never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time

I was rogering my new computerised sex doll.
"Ooh baby, how do you like that inside you baby?"
B*tch replied, "Insufficient data."

Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.

There are over 2 billion Muslims/Jews in the world. They don't eat pork.
There are 1.6 billion Jainists/Hindus/Buddhists. They don't eat meat at all.
There are another half a billion vegetarians/vegans of other religions.
That's 70% of the world's population who don't eat pork for religious reasons.
So how come my local co-op had run out of bacon again this morning?

Why is Mickey Mouse's helicopter nae use in Scotland?

Disneyland.

How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.

A woman goes into a police station and reports that a man has exposed himself to her.
The officer asked what happened, she explained "I was going to the shops when a car pulled over and a man beckoned me over to his window, he asked me for directions to the nearest post office, as I spoke He started grinning then I saw he had his bloody thing in his hand"

The officer could see the the woman was in some distress, he said gently "sorry I need to ask you, was he in a state of arousal?" She sobbed " no I think it was a Ford focus.

An Asylum Seeker has been found dead in a cheese vat. Police are unsure of his nationality but say he looks Kurdish.

I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

Does a priest at a nuclear power plant say a Critical Mass?