A lion is grazing in the jungle when a cheeky monkey runs up behind him from the bushes and gives the lion a quick one up the a*se. The monkey makes a bolt for it and the lion, absolutely fuming, runs after him through the jungle.

The monkey comes to a clearing that's being used as a camp by some explorers. He quickly dons a pith helmet, sits down on a camp chair nearby, picks up a newspaper and makes out he's reading it.

The lion comes charging into the clearing looking for the monkey and slides to a halt. He looks around and is puzzled at having seemingly lost him, so he approaches the monkey sitting reading the paper.

'Excuse me', says the lion to the monkey, ' have you by any chance seen a monkey pass through here very recently ?'

The monkey lowers the paper and looks at the lion.

'Are you referring to the monkey that gave the lion a quick one up the a*se ?'

'Yes', cries the lion, 'that's the one ! Don't tell me it's in the bloody paper already !'

"Look, Mr Law, " said the registrar, "I know it's not my business, but are you sure you want to call your daughter Sharia?"

How I learned to mind my own business.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting
"13..13..13"
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks,
so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting,
"14..14..14."

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park. They say it'll be just like Disneyland, except the six-foot Mouse is for real.....

I went into a posh pub in a pair of filthy overalls and this snotty barman said to me,

"I'm sorry, you can't come in here dressed like that."

"OK," I replied as I left, "fix your own heating then."

My wealthy neighbour told me she wants to change her will, and she's going to leave everything to me.
Well, she can get knotted and hire a Solicitor.

Tight so and so.

I Told my psychiatrist today that I feel hopelessly depressed.
"Have you thought about self-harming?" He asked.

Blimey, I thought you were here to help, I said.

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here  already?"

Elton John was performing a gig in front of employees of a fish processing factory who had all brought their own refreshments for the interval. The smell of fish was so overpowering that Elton commented about it just before launching into a popular ballad. "What on earth is that smell?" He asked.

"Canned eel in the wings"

"Doc, I've got to tell you I applied that pile cream you gave me and I had a really nasty reaction"

"Where did you apply it?"

"On the bus"

Convince your neighbours that their house is haunted by hacking into their hive WiFi and turning their electrical appliances off and on randomly.

I was on a date with this girl when she started telling me about her past violent relationships.

"That's terrible," I said, holding her hand. "How bad were the beatings?"

"Well I remember one real nasty one where I broke three of his ribs and punctured a lung," she replied.

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake

What do you call a nighttime cleaner with two birds of prey on his shoulders?
Hawk Kestrel man hoovers in the dark

A DEA officer called at my farm...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever I want, have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge, show him your badge!”

Great! I've been diagnosed with a disease that keeps transforming me into capital cities.... It's really starting to Hanoi me now.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street.He asked her name, “Polo, I’m the one with the hole” she said in a Wispa. “I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts” he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment and she screamed in Turkish Delight. But 3 days later his Sherbet Dib-Dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he’s got bloody Allsorts !!!

I joined this dating site; they said they'd match me with my ideal partner.

Imagine my disappointment when they paired me with a tub of lotion and a reclining chair

you need to be clever to get that. -:)

After filming our own p0rn video, my wife said: "we need something appropriate that also sounds like a proper film title, what shall we call it?"

I said, "Enter the Dragon?"