What do you call a spider wearing a raincoat?

Anoraknid.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's Cat.

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

My burly American neighbour jogs every day with a bodyguard by his side...

...He's on the 'fitness protection program'...

"Do you know what happens when you die? " this priest said to me,

"Well yes, " I replied,

"The kids will argue over my stuff,

the wife will probably bonk my brother again,

and everybody who thinks I am a proper idiot will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. "

I remember Mr Rigby telling me off for staring into space in class.

He was a rubbish astronomy teacher.

Choosing who should be the next leader of the Conservatives is a bit like choosing your favourite sexually transmitted disease.

I married my wife because she sometimes does this thing with her mouth that I really like.

Closes it.

It must be really confusing for Geordies that Aldi isn't open 24/7.

Men always have the last word in arguments with their wives.

"Sorry."

How come Dignitas never gets attacked by suicide bombers?

The day I married my wife, her pretentious father handed me a note that said, "Goods delivered are non-refundable."

I handed him back a note that said, "Purchase void when seal is already broken."

It's a strange old game, this. I make jokes that I think are funny and only a few people appreciate them. Then I make an old joke I heard years ago and everyone loves it. What's all that about?

"Don't worry Mr McIntyre, this is what these therapy sessions are for."

Mcdonalds one made me chuckle.

There must be some teachers out there due to write reports on their pupils soon. These might be of use:

1. "Since my last report, this pupil has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this pupil to breed."
3. "This pupil is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This pupil is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This pupil should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He's been working with glue too much."
14. "He would argue with a signpost."
15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
26. "It's hard to believe he beat 1,000,000 other sperm."
27. "One neuron short of a synapse."
28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

Some would probably be useful in the workplace as well!

Apparently, the restoration of Notre Dame could take as long as 150 years to restore, meaning the only person alive today likely to see it finished is Keith Richards.

Like that one Aspro.

The novel Fifty Shades Of Grey has seduced women – and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end, we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.


She stood before me, trembling and naked in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” So I took her to Nando’s.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally, it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’ So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

I LAY back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

My body writhed and quivered from the pain. I had learned my next lesson. Never again would I leave an upturned plug on the shed floor.

“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

The boss called us in for a meeting earlier, he sighed, “We’ve got quite a mountain to climb.”

Assumed he was speaking metaphorically ... until I saw the Tibetan monastery address on the pizza order.

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

It's a little known fact that during the second world war as the German Enigma machine was being cracked, Alan Turing's sister Kay provided the sandwiches, cocktail sausages, drinks and cakes.