A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures, in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a black car pulled up beside her. Out of the car stepped a grey haired bearded man. "Hello little girl, I'm Jeremy Corbyn leader of the labour party. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Corbyn.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labour party socialists," answered Suzy with a smile.

Corbyn was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Labour leader should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when the black car pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV and Sky. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Corbyn got out of his car and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservatives."

Taken by surprise, the Corbyn stammered, "But... but…yesterday, you told me they were Labour party socialists."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”

I used to have an unhealthy obsession with plumbing parts but, after years of therapy, I finally got it out my cistern.

How does a deaf bloke know when his wife has died?

My mate Paddy has been panic buying diesel, so far he has 4 pairs of jeans, 8 shirts and 15 bottles of aftershave

A pub in Hackney is brewing a special Diane Abbott inspired "Mojito Ale" in the wake of her recent drinking on the London Overground.
It's expected to be dark and nutty with a thick head.

Did you hear about the goalkeeper who developed diarrhoea in bed?

He couldn’t keep a clean sheet.

I'm always being told that I'm too trusting and people take advantage of me.
Especially by my regular Tarot card reader.

On their honeymoon night, Paddy's new wife strips off and lies spreadeagled on the bed.
' You know what I want Paddy?'
Yes, he replied.. the whole fekkin bed!

In Scotland, they call my dad, ‘the wee man’. Not because he’s small….

He’s incontinent.

West Ham Ladies are in the FA Cup Final tomorrow.
"Come on you Ironers."

Last week I visited a house of ill repute.

But enough about my day trip to the palace of Westminster

Barcelona fans are plotting revenge on the return leg of the champions league next week by pushing Liverpool fans into job centres

I confided in my friend that I didn't know if I was ready for the responsibility of becoming a father for the first time.
"Don't worry mate," he said. "It's not as if you'll be responsible for him for the rest of his life.
Just the rest of yours."

Vivianne Miedema is considered the best female striker in the world ...

They’ve obviously forgotten Cheryl’s altercation with a nightclub toilet attendant.

Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?
Could you be entitled to condensation.

In a bookshop today, I asked a busy female assistant where the section on clitoral stimulation was.

Despite her best efforts, I couldn't find it.

Getting married for the sex is like buying a Boeing 747 for the peanuts...

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound?
If a feminist comedian does a stand-up gig and nobody laughs, should she make everyone a sandwich?