My dad always used to say, "Never look back."

Lovely guy .... poor historian.

Lego bricks are being used to help people with dementia and Alzheimers.

They are being put at the side of their beds to remind them to put their shoes on when they get up.

I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

My mate's wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.

My local newsagent Mr Prashad told me because I'm English and White, it is impossible for me to go to Mecca.

What has it got to do him if I want to play bingo?

I was in a band called Dark Web.

We would always go on tor.

When the government brings in the adult verification porn pass that you have to purchase at corner shops, I'll be very disappointed if it isn't called: MasturCard.

Have you noticed how the Catholic church moves Easter every year to the same time as the kids are on holiday?

You know when you are at that stage in your marriage when the wife says
"Your on a promise this weekend"

And you're thinking "I hope she breaks it".

When I was out today I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there.

I pocketed it.

It started to ring.

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mum'.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How on earth did she know I was up to no good?

I got home and my wife was gushing over my new tattoo,

"After all these years, " she said, "you've had my name tattooed on your arm to show me that you love me. "

"Don't get excited, "I replied, "I've been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. "

Canapé

1. A type of hors d'œuvre.

2. What a Scotsman says when he has no money.

Michael Jackson was quoted as saying it took him 2 and a half minutes to write the song, Billie Jean.

So why did it take him  4 minutes & 54 seconds to sing it then?

The wife just asked me whether I love her or football the most?... I said, "Open your legs and I will show you"...
...So I nutmegged her

@VizTopTips pretend your one of the chasers by sitting on the top step of your stairs and forcing your other half to answer questions when they arrive home.

"What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme."

Convince friends you've won the lottery by putting first-class stamps on your Christmas cards. @VizTopTips

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

Well, this is it, tomorrow is the day. Feeling a bit nervous to be honest. Wish me luck for the London Marathon. I managed a respectable 3 hours 12 mins and 45 seconds last year. This year I am going to try my hardest to better that. The problem is, after the 3-hour point I start getting bored and get tempted to switch channels to watch James Martins Sunday Kitchen.......

A surveyor asked paddy to measure the length of two points with a measuring wheel but there was a canal in the way.
Paddy said I don't need that and put the meat and potato pie he was eating on the floor, and measured from it up to the brothel on the corner.
Then he lit a cigarette and put it in a hole in a lampost and measured the distance from the pie to the ciggy.

He handed some calculations to the bewildered surveyor, paddy said "you can check it will be right it's simple geometry you don't need to measure the road when you know how to use Pie **** **** Houses theorum"