Another Labour front bencher calling for a General Election: Voting for a marxist leader, and a bunch of numpties in Opposition would be the last thing this country wants at the present moment.

A girl looked at my hands and said: "Ah, you must be a single guy!"

"How'd you guess? No wedding ring?" I replied sarcastically.

"No, one palm is much shinier than the other" she answered.

Doing the dishes is a lot like having sex; my wife would rather use something mechanical that does the job better, but most of the time leaves me to do it alone.

Can’t help thinking ....there’s quite a few Indian women who try putting their lipstick on, just as their husband slams on the brakes of the car.

Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because without that, what is there to destroy?

My wife hit the roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was an inflatable dinghy.

Exclusive in The Sun tomorrow: Paras in shocking new footage as Regiment uses Abbott's drawers to drop supplies to troops in Helmand province.

The new Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute," said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.".
"This picture is my lottery win," said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two
million quid.
The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper...
"They must have seen you coming................"

A reminder from Dianne Abbott that the clocks went sideways on March 31st.

I’ve just launched a business selling battery operated spoons.

It’s causing a bit of a stir in the market.

Tell the Punchline first.



How do you ruin a joke?

Keep 'em coming Bigmo.

Kirstjen Nielsen has resigned from her role as Secretary of Homeland Security. It's believed she's leaving to spend more time separating her family.

Previously undiscovered species of human found in the Philippines.....makes a change from Norfolk!

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night & It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it turned on or off?"

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said "I didn't know that one but I would have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.

What woman can keep a secret?

Chantelle.

Saw a great sci-fi film last night, this robot sheep from the future comes back in time to encase the human race in see-through plastic.

The Laminator (judgemint day)

What's Joey Barton's favourite band?

Fleetwood Smack.

75-year-old man killed in Florida after being attacked by a large flightless bird.

"This has brought back so many terrible memories," said Michael Parkinson.