Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
New restaurant opened near me called karma. there's no menu you get what you deserve!.
|
|
By:
Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film
Taken: Out Of Context. |
|
By:
Diane Abbott has described her appearance on Question Time as a ''horrible experience''. On the bright side, it could have been worse; she could have been on Countdown.
|
|
By:
Have you heard about the little purses the Rabbi's make out of the discarded foreskins from circumcising? When you rub them they turn into a suitcase.
|
|
By:
Text from John to his next door neighbour:
Hi, George, I've got a confession to make. I've been worried about it for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, so I'm telling you in this text as I need to let you know. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you do. I haven't been getting it at home for months, although I know that is no excuse. I hope you'll accept my sincere apology. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards, John Neighbour’s Response: George, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door and shot John dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a large drink and sat down on the sofa. George then noticed another text on his phone from John Second Text Message: Hi, George, John here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned spell-check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife". Bloody technology, it'll be the death of me. |
|
By:
“If you're surprised that Facebook sells your data, then you're the reason why packets of peanuts have 'may contain nuts' written on them.”
|
|
By:
The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers and were now finally catching on. The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI. |
|
By:
After incorrectly inserting my pin 3 times, I heard the unmistakable pained groans of my wife from behind me.
This voodoo doll is amazing! |
|
By:
Germans and Americans in trench warfare!!? if you're gonna cut and paste off American pages, surely not too hard to do a quick edit to protect our sensitive ears!
|
|
By:
Well done bigmo, keep up the good work please, God knows we need cheering up more than ever.
 Thank you steerforth, we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view, keep posting your great jokes......................hold on a minute.  |
|
By:
Sadly my obese parrot has died from overeating.
At least it's a huge weight off my shoulders. |
|
By:
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would come 4th to save walking up to the Podium.
|
|
By:
The Chip shop I go to still wrap up meals in a newspaper.
Yesterday I got a Plaice in The Sun. |
|
By:
A man hates his wife’s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home, it’s there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home, it’s there. So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it. One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?" "Yes, why?" asks his wife." Put him on," he says, "I"m lost.” |
|
By:
I recently went into a betting shop and put £1 on a horse. My horse didn't win, so I went back into the shop to complain. I asked them if I could bet on that race again but the cashier said "No".
I think this is disgraceful. Has anyone else had this experience? Would you like to join me in setting up a protest march in London? |
|
By:
Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies" So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?" She replied "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He answered "I want 5 loaves" She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this but me!" |
|
By:
For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.
I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board. |
|
By:
A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later"
The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood completely. The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls too.... I don't want to go to Iraq either" |
|
By:
Dear Mother In Law,
Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement. |
|
By:
 Brilliant as usual.. |
|
By:
Two crackers there bigmo,tears running down my face,thnx
|
|
By:
behind every successful man theres a dissapointed mother in law
. |
|
By:
My wife's leaving me because I spend too much time in the pub.
well, that's the rumour down at the Red Lion. |
|
By:
I visited a faith healer yesterday. He was absolutely rubbish. Even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out.
|
|
By:
I've just got my first big acting break in a play about Neurosurgery.
I'm a bundle of nerves |
|
By:
The clocks go forward at the weekend OR if you have a poltergeist in your house ... forward, back, up, down, across the room.
|
|
By:
Apparently, up until the age of ten, Sean Connery's son thought Humpty Dumpty sh@t on a wall
|
|
By:
Two blondes are talking "I had a pregnancy test today," said the first...
...the second said, "Were the questions hard?" |
|
By:
Only just realised that 'The Beast' is called that on The Chase because in French beast is la bete and his surname is Labbett.
I thought they called him the beast because he's a big hefty lad. |
|
By:
My gran died from exhaustion.
She was trying to blow out the candles on the cake for her 103rd birthday. |
|
By:
Tony the Granelli's Italian ice cream salesman used to be a big hit with the ladies round my parish.
Nowadays the man that used to make passionate love to the girls morning, noon and night has erectile dysfunction. He now works for Mr Softee |
|
By:
Great stuff Bigmo
|
|
By:
Apparently, Diane Abbott's maths problems started when her teacher asked her to find pie.
|
|
By:
Breaking news.
Bilbo and Frodo Baggins have had their benefits sanctioned and are being investigated after it has come to light that they have been co hobbiting. |
|
By:
Dinner time is so Much better since I told the missus that the smoke alarm isn't a timer
|
|
By:
Relax Frank relax, it's just a small surgery; don't panic!
-- But Doctor my names not Frank. -- I know, I'm Frank |
|
By:
Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside the Co-op if I would get them 20 Richmonds, reluctantly I agreed and got them, I handed them over and you should have heard the aggressive abuse they then gave me! So I told them "Next time get your own ****g sausages!"
|
|
By:
Bad news: My wife took the wrong medication today.
Good news: She's protected from heartworms & fleas for the next three months. |
|
By:
You think you've posted a cracking joke, only to realise later that autocorrect has made you look like an idiom.
|
|
By:
"Never once have you ever said I'm beautiful, " said my wife.
"We have something far more important than that my love, " I replied, "I promised you I'd never lie to you. " |