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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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The absolutely brilliant Welsh nicknames people have been sharing
And it's all thanks to a faux pas from Donald Trump John Melfyn |
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Don't know why that copy/paste didn't work.
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Today is international sandwich makers day.
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Rodney Dangerfield's biography has a joke every page.
I solved my drinking problem. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink, but I use a different name. I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised my rent. My wife was never nice to me. On out first date, I asked her if I could give her a kiss on the cheek. She bent over. |
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Oldie but goldie.
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack "Dopey, my son", says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting: "Dopey sh@gged a penguin!" "Dopey sh@gged a penguin!" |
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Avoid the motorways near the N.E.C during Crufts 7-10 March, it’ll be nose to tail everywhere.
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A woman goes into labour with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.
He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch. |
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boxing....
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I have half a mind to get another lobotomy!
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I had to tell my wife to cut down on her drinking as she was ruining her liver.
And her onions were getting pretty ropey too, to say nothing of the mash. |
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Paddy is at weekly confession, when he asks the Priest, "Father, what have I got to do in order to get to heaven?" The priest replies, "My son, you need to show faith & discipline and that you can mend your ways. If you can go a month without alchohol, gambling and sex you will have passed God's test and be admitted to heaven."
A month later and he's back at confession and the Priest asks how it has gone. "It was the hardest month of my life" he replies. The factory bell would go and all the lads would head to the pub and I had to abstain - but I managed it. Same with the gambling, the lads would get the cards out on our lunch break, and I had to say no. Every night I had to walk home, pass the bookmakers and not go in - but I managed it. What about sex, asks the Priest? "I got to the 29th day", says Paddy, "when there she was, my missus, short skirt, high heels, fishnet stocking, bending over the freezer. It was too much, I had to have her, there and then." "That's it," said the Priest, "you'll be banned from heaven forever now." "I should think so," says Paddy, "I've been banned from Tescos as well." |
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Who else thinks the ampersand looks like a dog dragging it's @rse across the carpet,
& & & |
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There are strong arguments on the topic of energy resources, the need for clean energy quickly, in the light of global warming and the need for better sources of power than burning fossil fuels.
I know one thing Solar power isn’t going to happen overnight. |
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A lot of people wouldn't know this looking at my wife, but she's a very decorated athlete. In fact, thanks to her, her side has never once been defeated.
They use her as an "anchor" and tie the end of the rope around her at tug-o-war. |
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I've written a letter to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen. To make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card.
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Did you hear about the two Dyslexic, Gay Physicists?
They liked to show each other their Hadrons. |
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I've bought a copy of Heston Blumenthal's new cookbook: "How To Spend Four Hours messing Around In The Kitchen Just To Boil An Egg."
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My wife can't find her hair clips but she remembers what I said 6 months ago at 5:30 pm.
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The wife shouted down from upstairs Have you seen my cocaine.
Yes I shouted back was'nt he in that film Zulu. |
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Every full moon my mate likes to frequent gay bars and nightclubs and pick up men.
He's a ****wolf. |
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My wife can't find her hair clips but she remembers what I said 6 months ago at 5:30 pm.
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Guy and his wife in a restaurant looking at the menu in French and the wife says "I'm having an affair" the guy handing the menu back to the waiter says I'll have the affair as well.
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"can you describe the snake that bit you"
"yes it was like an angry rope" |
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Had an accident?
Not your fault? You're obviously a woman. |
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If someone makes their fortune in ships we call him a shipping magnate.
If someone makes their fortune in oil We call them an oil magnate. What do you call someone who makes his fortune selling fridges? |
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gwon then
A fridge magnate. |
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people. |
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A new Eskimo restaurant has opened up near me, so I thought I would pop in and give it a try. The waiter apologised that the menu had not yet arrived from the printers but he could recall the menu to us. That's fine I said, please do.
OK said the waiter, today we have whale meat, whale meat, whale meat or the Vera Lynn. Whats the Vera Lynn? I asked The waiter replied, Whale meat again! |
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"My wife says I have two faults. Apparently, I don’t listen . . . . and something else.”
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If whales are so intelligent why do they swim near Japan?
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Jokes on you, I got my degree in gender studies while there were still only two of them.
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Last night I was gazing up at the stars and thinking...............
Where the f**k is my roof!. |
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The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and still isn't as sensitive as Salah's legs in the penalty box!
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Hopalong Happychopper walks into the saloon and the bartender says
"Howdy stranger, ain't seen you in these parts, so you must be here to watch the hanging". Hopalong looks the bartender menacingly in the eyes and replies. "Nope, but seeing we're talking who are you hanging"? The bartender says " Well ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown paper Rattler mighty high even the angels are gonna hear his neck break". Hopalong asks " Why they call him Brown paper Rattler"? The bartender says "Why old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks". Hopalong then asks "So why you hanging him"? and the bartender replies. "For rustling". Yeehaw older than the gold in them there mines...don't make me come back now Ye hear. |
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I saw the human Torch today when I was filling up my car and I asked him for an autograph an ignorant fec**r just rolled around on the ground screaming.
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and the*
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Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.
Obviously a sham rock. |
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Every time my missus complains about my lame puns, I spike her food and trigger her food intolerance.
She's a gluten for punishment. |
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MARRIED MEN: If your freezer is on the blink, stick the ice cubes down the wife's knickers so they don't melt.
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