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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
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I have discovered that my red Indian name is talking b0ll0cks.
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Little known fact, before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home.
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Every Thursday ,I help out a great old fella , he must be 80 , if he's a day , at the local Church doing the gardening , and I just said to him before , "Wilf are you ok , doing heavy lifting " and he said " If I couldn't lift things that are heavy , I'd never go the toilet " . I was in bulk .
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Yeah, my doctor told me not to lift anything heavy, so now I have to sit down when I want a wee.
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If Ryanair retains the most unpopular Airline trophy again next year, they will break the record set in 1945 by the Luftwaffe.
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When archaeologists date cave paintings, do they factor in the gap between completion and when the wife started nagging the caveman to get it done?.
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A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." "Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?" "Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter. "When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.” |
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As the manager of a women’s football team, I usually play with a flat back four.
I stick all the big breasted birds in midfield where they do more running around. |
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Plans are already in place to bring Shamima Begum back.
Cardiff City are arranging the flight, Prince Philip is picking her up at the airport, The McCann's have agreed to adopt the baby, and Dianne Abbott is organising the logistics. |
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To the lady in front of me driving home this morning
It's a speed bump, not a land mine |
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I'm not that happy about it, but I have a new job where I greet people and have to say very cheerfully, "Welcome to PC world !"
It's at the airport welcoming new immigrants into this country. |
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Union bosses are blaming Brexit as Honda plans to shut down its Swindon plant in 2022.
Swindon's MP Justin Tomlinson insisted the decision was not down to Britain's departure from the EU and Honda are leaving by their own Accord. |
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Dear Sky Sports
Could you please ensure that Graham Sounness is a pundit on every football match you broadcast? With his friendly personality and charm, I feel the more he is in the studio the better Yours sincerely, Mrs Sounness. |
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I enrolled in a course entitled “Basic Origami for ****wits”. You’re probably thinking “Why?”
Well, the answer is twofold... |
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I've just tried some of the Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages. They were wonderful. I think olive salami is here to stay.
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HOUSEWIVES: Save money on expensive technology gadgets by changing your name to Alexa and obeying random instructions from everyone in your household.
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Chelsea's manager Kepa gives himself a rest before the big game against Fulham...
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First Date:
Her: Lets exchange numbers. Me: won't that confuse people who are trying to call us? |
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A couple from Tim Vine
“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one “Velcro? What a rip-off” |
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I've just met a girl who's rubbish at multiple choice tests.
She ticks all the boxes. |
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I'm fed up with people criticising the police force for lack of diversity.
What other employer actively seeks to give jobs to people with learning disabilities? |
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Just got back from my father-in-law's funeral.
Amazing man, war hero, entrepreneur, and father to three beautiful, intelligent daughters. And the fourth one I married. |
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I've messed up everything I've tried to do in my life so tonight I decided to slash my wrists.
Cut my thumb opening the packet of razor blades. |
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I remember when I picked up this piece at the village hall discotheque, took her for a walk in the woods afterwards. I'm not saying she was ugly but it didn't take her long to find truffles!
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Dear Mr Postman, could you deliver this bridesmaid dress for me.
The address is: Liverpool Football Club Anfield Road Liverpool L4 OTH Yours sincerely, Pep Guardiola. |
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Now that Radio 2 has dropped Michael Jackson's music, I think it's time I went public about what Ed Sheeran did to me.
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It's a little known fact, that in the 1980s statistically, girls called Eileen spent more on dry cleaning than girls with any other name.
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Knock Knock
Who's there! Eileen! Eileen who? Eileen Don your door-bell and broke it! |
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I was booked into a swanky hotel for a business trip. I was laying spreadeagled on the bed stark naked when the chambermaid came in
. . . eventually. |
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Alexis Sanchez is out injured for 4-6 weeks.
Man.Utd. fans are gutted. They thought they'd heard 46 weeks. |
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Don't ever let 80s star Paul Young leave a hat at your house.
He'll try and claim your property. |
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I had my first parachute jump today and I was terrified.
This guy strapped himself to me and we jumped out. As we plummeted he said, "So how long have you been an instructor?" |
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A duck walks into a shop and says "got any bread?"
The shopkeeper replies certainly this is a bakery, after all, what type of bread would you like" The duck says "I've well messed this joke up haven't I ?". |
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A blind bloke from our local pub did a sponsored parachute jump. I asked him how it went, he said, "fantastic, the most invigorating thing I've ever done. Mind you, the dog didn't think much of it."
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Jakko and Altti finish a hard day of work logging in the forest and decide to go to a bar. They sit together in total silence drinking shot after shot of vodka.
After a few hours of this Jakko is pretty merry, raises his glass and says "Kippis!" (a Finnish Toast) Altti gives him a reproachful look and says "are we here to talk, or drink?" |
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A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday!!
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I introduced the new guy to everyone in the office.
I said "everybody this is Chris he's going to be working with us, he may have difficulty understanding us he's a Mongol" At which point Libby the feminazi lept up and ranted "you're an utter disgrace to describe Chris that way, I would have said Chris has downs syndrome and learning difficulties". Then Chris head-butted Libby square in the face. Guys from Ulaanbaatar don't take insults lightly. |
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I have half a mind to get another lobotomy!
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