|
By:
Fank fecki got da punchline right
|
|
By:
Saw this on twitter:
The worlds oldest man at 113 dies in Japan. Not Again. That title must be cursed. |
|
By:
Bloke goes to see a financial adviser who needs to take some details. Name ? Joshua ****brake. What,the adviser says,that cant be true ! It is,check with my employer Betfair if you like, Adviser gets the number and rings up Betfair,telephonist answered and says 'Do you have a ****brake working there ? Telephonist replies, you'll be lucky this lot are so tightfisted we don't even get a coffee break !!
|
|
By:
My grandaughter aged 5 asked me grandad where does poo come from.
Knowing kids go through these toilet stages ,and exploring their own bodies, like any responsible adult ,i pulled her to one side ,sat her down and explained about how food enters the body, goes to the belly, all the good stuff gets taken out and the bad stuff travels out your bottom into the toilet. She looked at me very puzzled and then asked what about tigger? |
|
By:
Man goes up to the bar and asks the barmaid for a pint and says to her,can you give me a quickie ? She slaps his face and hands the pint over abruptly. Twenty minutes later he returned to the bar and asks for a pint and says,can you please give me a quickie ? Again,the barmaid slaps him and slams his pint on the counter leaving him puzzled. The bloke standing at the bar turns and says, I think if you pronounce that as queesh you may get served next time !!
Come back bigmo,we need you ! |
|
By:
Men Are Just Happier People!
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier! NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! |
|
By:
A bloke with one arm went in the Barbers
He said 'A shave please' The barber cut his ear, his chin and both sides of his face Barber asked 'Have you been in here before?' The chap replied 'No, I lost my arm in the first world war' |
|
By:
Don't be a tw@t by calling your kid Abcde.
Call it Vwxyz, instead, a normal Polish name. |
|
By:
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!
|
|
By:
Nice to see normal service resumed bigmo !
|
|
By:
Talking to my stroppy girlfriend,.....Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!! Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me |
|
By:
Teacher: How much is a gram?
Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need |
|
By:
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
|
|
By:
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
|
|
By:
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
|
|
By:
Salad to become scarce and hard to come by in the event of a no deal Brexit.
Scotland is said to be unconcerned. |
|
By:
My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me!
|
|
By:
Autopsies can be very traumatic.
Especially on "take your child to work" day. |
|
By:
Dry January done. Not wet the bed once....
|
|
By:
Met Office. Severe weather warning.
Beware of who you take home tonight. You maybe be stuck with them the whole weekend. |
|
By:
I used to always laugh at fat people.
Until I saw Jo Brand. |
|
By:
I had a dream that I died and found myself forced to watch endless episodes of The Goodies
Bill Oddie Hell. |
|
By:
What is your name, sir?
"Mohamed!" Is that your Christian name? |
|
By:
An old Indian chief was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife name, I call - Tai' Shiko Waka Izdzaa ." 'That's unusual, what is it in English' 'It means, 'Three Horse Woman'. "Really, and why Three Horse Woman?" "It old Apache name from the time before time. Name mean - nag, nag, nag" |
|
By:
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
100 1 to keep promising they're going to change it 99 to argue about how to change it as a delay tactic while they come up with a reason why it would be bad to change it.... |
|
By:
Laptop speakers!..too quiet for music..too loud for porn!
|
|
By:
Philosophical thought Experiment.
"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does the LGBTQIAPD community still get offended?" |
|
By:
A dyslexic terrorist has stormed the London Zoo making random demands. He has taken six ostriches...
|
|
By:
Knock knock
Whos there Dishes . Dishes who Dishes Sean Connery . |
|
By:
I was getting a blowie off a Spurs fan but she refused to swallow so instead I jízzed on a window and let nature take its course.
|
|
By:
My wife had a breast enlargement and also had the surgeon implant squeakys in them to make foreplay funny.
I was playing with them and I have never laughed so much in my life....when the dog ripped them to shreds. |
|
By:
Brexit - what a fat lass from Rotherham does to a flimsy plastic chair when she sits on it.
|
|
By:
Always be true to yourself. Never listen to those who tell you what you can't do.
They told Beethoven he'd never make music because he was deaf. But he didn't listen to them. |
|
By:
Something I cannot wrap my head around.
All these blue haired whale-clown feminists banging on about what a "real" man is. But it makes no sense No real man is going to listen to a feminist in the first place. |
|
By:
Me give up on me new career as a window cleaner.
A Babylon see me up a ladder and arrest me straight away. Me say "you is a racist, times have changed, have you never see black window cleaner before?". Him say "most window cleaners clean windows with a sponge and a squeegee not a crowbar mate " |
|
By:
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town!
"Did you smell that food?" she asked.."it smells absolutely incredible!" Being a kindhearted fella, he thought "what the hell..I'll treat her" So he walked her past it again!! |
|
By:
Walked past again,priceless !
|
|
By:
I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel this morning...unfortunately she died.
|
|
By:
My little twelve-year-old son was beside himself when Richard Hammond his pet hamster died in a tragic Scalextric accident.
My mate suggested he contact other bereaved hamster owners on-line, a problem shared so to speak. Think he said the site was called Xhamster.Com. Anyway, my lad seems a lot happier and very keen to get up to his room to study all the time now. |
|
By:
I'm against recycling..because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to the bin-men!!
|