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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Think this woman in town really fancied me earlier, she said "Excuse me gorgeous, do you know where Specsavers is ?"
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A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender was gobsmacked "blimey - I've never served a weasel before, what would you like?" "pop," goes the weasel. |
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"Look again", he said.
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A DVD is soon to be released of Susan Boyle losing her virginity.
"Popping the Boyle" will be available at all good retailers. |
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My ex wife just texted me, “Wish you were here.”
She does it every time she walks through a cemetery. |
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Feminists: Why are there not more women on Mastermind?
Because they won't permit 'Myself' as a specialist subject. |
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My wife bought a vibrator off eBay. She was really impressed and left positive feedback.
"Excellent service, came very quickly." |
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My wife and her sister got caught in a thunder shower on the way home from weight watchers earlier..
..It was the funniest example of saturated fats I'd ever seen. |
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I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."
"Capricorn." I replied. "Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again." |
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Saw a Scotsman wearing a wellington on his c0ck and i said.
"Hey, What you up too" and he said. "Nothing, just f*ckin' aboot". |
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A ship carrying blue paint has collided with a ship carrying red paint - All the passengers have been marooned
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A carpenter, when we were talking about workmanship.
"Yea," he said, "I got the sack once for being just two mil out!" "That was a bit harsh," I said. "It was ok" he said, "I didn't really want to be an accountant anyway." |
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I bumped into a cross eyed woman today and she shouted "You need to look where you're going!"... I said "F*ck off, you need to go where you're looking!"
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If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, this must mean electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed.
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An old lady brings her dog to the vet as it seems to be having problems with its hearing.
The vet cleans the dog"s ears and advises her to use hair removal cream on the dog"s ears once a month as a means to reduce build-up and avoid the problem. The old lady leaves the vet and heads straight to the pharmacist to buy hair removal cream. The pharmacist says "If you"re using it on your legs, wear a dress for a couple of days to avoid any irritation. If you"re using it on your arm pits, wear a singlet for a couple of days to avoid any irritation. By the way, where are you using the cream?" "On my schnauser," says the old lady.The pharmacist replies "In that case, I"d avoid riding a bike for the next week." |
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I see Amazon boss Jeff Bezos’ wife is leaving him. With a neighbour, presumably.
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Don"t waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months.
My balls still look like walnuts. |
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I was at the gynaecologist with the wife.
He asked "Are you a heavy bleeder?" "You're about 14st now aren't you love?" I replied. |
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Just started coaching football sessions in schools all over America...
Every game's ended in a shootout. |
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New U.S cop drama out next week about two gay detectives it's called
"gag me and chase me" . |
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Hopalong Happychopper and Wild Bill Whopping the two meanest gunslingers in the west tie thier horses outside the saloon.
Wild Bill Whopping lifts the tail of his and starts kissing its @ss. Hopalong Happychopper says. "Why you do that to that there horse"? Wild Bill Whopping replies. "Well it just so happens I've got chapped lips and it stops me from licking them". Yeehaw. |
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My gay mate who is dyslexic cannot wait for February 14th. He thinks its Vaseline day.
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This week in science, Astrophysicists have found the oldest know star in the Universe that’s about to die and it’s right here in our galaxy.
Kirk Douglas was unavailable for comment. |
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Did you know on the Canary Islands,
there is not one Canary? And on the Virgin Islands? Yep, Same thing. Not one canary either. |
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Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.
They started with a few casual bets,but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation." He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best 0ral sex he'd ever had. The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her 'special' appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy. On Friday's drive home, Dave said, 'Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?' Pat burst into tears. 'I can't!' 'What? Why not?' asked Dave. 'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!' 'What?' Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. 'I'm so sorry,' says Pat. 'You have every right to be angry with me.' 'You b'stard!' Dave screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating b'stard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!" |
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Leipzig The Wailing Wall
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years". "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a brick wall." |
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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!
"In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose colour. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street" |
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"I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with. I am sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature. If you wish to give me your heart, I will give you mine and know that, held within your gentle hands, it will be safe for ever.
No fat birds." |
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Bigmo......
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Golf...Wailing wall.. brilliant
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The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps." The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish." |
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The Royal First Night
On the evening of the Royal wedding, Camilla was becoming somewhat uncomfortable in her regal attire. Unfortunately, the shoes she had worn that day were a bit too small and, by the time the festivities were over, her feet were in agony. When Camilla and Charles withdrew to their bridal suite, the only thing she could think of was getting her ill-fitting shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Charles say, "God, that was tight." "There," whispered the Queen. "I told you Camilla was a virgin." Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say, "Right - now for the other one." This was followed by even more grunting and straining and at last Charles exclaimed, "My God! That was even tighter!" "That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor |
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Who was the wild west's worst gun slinger?
Billy the flid. |
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Paddys" wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"
To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus we"re both over the moon |
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A lad came home from school and told his Dad that hed just had sex with the English teacher. "Legend" replied his Dad. "Come on, as away of celebration I'll buy you that bike you've been pestering me for" "No thanks Dad, can I have a football instead as my ar$e is killing me"
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superb from bigmo and ufcdan!
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Guido the Italian Lover
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No,I Norwegian." . |