"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."

"Thanks grandad!"

"Why did you call me grandad?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

Alan (Fong) who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Chris.

So they loaded up Alan's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Alan said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, Alan got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Chris and asked, "Chris, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago ?"

'Yes, I do,' said Chris.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Chris said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name ?'

Chris's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask ?'

'She just died and left me everything.!!'

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

.

Guy went into a brothel and said he didn't care which girl he went with as long as she had VD.
The Madam was understandably puzzled and asked him why.

He said " If I catch VD from your girl I can give it to my wife. She'll pass it on to the milkman who'll give it to his wife who will give it to their nextdootr neighbour and he's the git who gave me a parking ticket last week!"

Fed up with my compulsive stealing, my family sent me on the Jeremy Kyle show. I took a lie detector test.

Got £50 for it at Cash Converters.

My buddy in Africa has had no access to water for 6 weeks now!!

I've sent him a Get a Well Soon card"

I said to the psychiatrist, "My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."

"I don't think you're crazy," he replied, "I also like sausages."

"Really?" I said, "You should come over to my house and see my collection."

With the Gatwick drone incident passing 24 hours police have begun working on the theory it's simply a woman trying to land the thing.

My Spanish girlfriend works in a lingerie boutique, spending most of her day keeping corsets in the correct locations, (colour, size and style dependant), after customers have moved them.

She's a basque separatist.

It's been confirmed that Dianne Abbott is to be the face on the new £43.13 note.

It's been confirmed that Dianne Abbott is to be the face on the new £43.13 note.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.


At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble set.  So I sold it on Ebay as a Welsh edition.

My wife and I share a sense of humour.

We have to because she hasn't got one.

Women think they are smart by fooling men by faking orgasms ..

Men are smarter and more dedicated we can fake an entire relationship for the sake of one .

Rudolf has a red nose so he can guide the way but why does Dasher have a brown nose?

Because he doesn't stop as fast as Rudolf!

Me too Fred - I've had it 5 times now. On one occasion I took the moviprep as instructed and had the usual tentative journey to the hospital only to be told on arrival that I got the date wrong. The real appointment was in two days time. Had to go home have something to eat and then take the moviprep again the day after. I was awake during the examination and the doctor said it was the cleanest bowel he'd ever seen.
One thing I did learn through experience was to wear shorts and stay within 4 yds of the toilet.

Having had it done myself, I guess it's that little bit more funny,as you can relate to what he's on about. Due again next Christmas I think.

Never pay attention to people who discourage you.

Unless they say, "I wouldn't go in there for a few minutes" when exiting a public lavatory.