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In two years Prince Harry has met Meghan, moved her to London, proposed, had a Royal wedding, got her pregnant and taken her on a tour of Australia.
I still haven’t fixed the tap that’s been leaking in the bathroom since 2013. |
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In an English lecture an Oxford linguistic philosopher argued “There is no language in which a double positive implies a negative”.
“Yeah right”. I replied. |
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My willie's like a hosepipe!..I don't mean the dimensions..there just always seems to be a ban on me using it!!
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I see in the new series of Doctor Who they have to keep moving forward in time.
I knew she wouldn't be able to reverse the Tardis. |
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I used to work in a Russian napkin factory.
I was in the serviette union. |
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A Mexican magician performs a vanishing act. He tells his audience "On the count of three, I will disappear! Uno! Dos...!"
P00f! When the smoke cleared, he had disappeared without a tres. |
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Those electronic cigarettes have one major side effect.
They make you look like a **** |
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Car adverts seriously overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert!
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I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs. |
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My grandad lost his job after the war as a coleman's mustard powder salesman.
His boss told him to mix it with other cheaper powders like flour and chalk but grandad was an honest man, and would only ever sell genuine 100% pure stuff . His boss fired him as he plainly didn't cut the mustard. |
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What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’ Shea |
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I used to go out with a girl who was a medium a clairvoyant and psychic .
I dumped her because she was seeing other people all the time. |
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I was sat in A and E next to this bloke who was wriggling and squirming in his seat .
I said " what you in for mate?" He said "Ive got six live rabbits stuck up my @rse " A nurse came up to him and said " ok warren the doctor's ready for you now" . |
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Jezza,being the next prime minister
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Billy Connolly....
"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards." |
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We have three cats and in all these years the only one that's never brought a bird home is the ginger one .
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Trump says the Saudis are rubbish at covering things up.
I'm not so sure. Sticking a tea towel on your head is still marginally better than a comb over. |
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As it's our 41st wedding anniversary next week it appears the gift for the 41st is land.
How very apt, I'll buy an acre for the fat c0w to graze on. |
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I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”
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My wife didn't speak to me for 3 days last week and I haven't got a clue what I did to cause it.
Which is a shame because I'd like to do it again next week. |
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Two RyanAir passenger planes almost collided in mid-air when they flew over Spain.
Pilots took evasive action once the near-miss surcharge had been collected. |
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"Ok, then, give me some ideas about fancy dress for the works do, " said my missus.
"How about a sexy schoolgirl?" I replied, "I could never do that, " she grinned, "OK then, how about a schoolgirl then?" I said. |
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Kids are like f@rts.
You can just about cope with your own, but anyone else's are unbearable |
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Kids are like f@rts
Love your own but detest other people's |
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the **** is that on the balcony with Dave?'"
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Like that one mcfc1981
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'I' before 'e' except after 'c' has been disproved by science.
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Watching Jamie Oliver cooking sea bass with lemon and parsley really inspired me to go and create a fishfinger sandwich with tomato sauce
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Me friend say "you should always say no to drugs".
Me say "if you is talking to drugs you is already on drugs" |
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Told the girlfriend that Mum is deaf so speak loud and slow.
Told Mum that the girlfriend is retarded. |
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What do you get if you cross a travellers caravan site with an expensive mobile phone?
Stabbed. |
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An Israeli leaves home to start his national service in the IDF.
When he returns home after 3 years, he sees that his father and brothers have all grown big, bushy beards. "You've not all gone hippy on me?", he asks with an air of disappointment. "Oi vey", replies the father, "you took the razor with you." |
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I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been taking the p1ss out of me for wearing mittens, but I’m not going to point fingers.
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An Israeli leaves home to start his national service in the IDF.
When he returns home after 3 years, he sees that his father and brothers have all grown big, bushy beards. "You've not all gone hippy on me?", he asks with an air of disappointment. "Oi vey", replies the father, "you took the razor with you." |
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I just met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?
Brocco Lee. |
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Sitting waiting at the doctors for a while, I asked the man sat opposite me what he was in for, "I have really bad piles," was his reply, "Ah", I said, "Is that why your sitting on that bean bag?" "Look again", he said.
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I hopped on a bus today.
After 5 minutes, the driver told me to sit down. |
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A fire broke out at a Weight Watchers meeting today.
Members could be heard screaming, "Walk for your lives!" |
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A single sperm has 37.5 Megabit of information in its DNA. An ejaculation represents a data transfer of approximately 1,587.5 Terabit of information.
I know this could be a lot of information for some feminists to swallow |
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God made man before woman because he didn't need any advice before doing it!
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