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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Why do black people make rubbish soldiers?
Because every time someone shouts 'GET DOWN!' they automatically jump up and start dancing. |
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Me thinks the U.K should have a vote to decide whether to legalise cannabis.
A lot of people love ganja . Maybe it be called a reeferendum. |
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I will not mess up this omelette!
I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette! I will enjoy these scrambled eggs!! |
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was at home with my wife earlier when she decided to go in the bedroom to pleasure herself.
I watched her grunt, scream and gasp until she reached the point of satisfaction. Finally, the fat *** made it upstairs. |
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How many Aussie men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it's a woman's bl00dy job! |
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Good deed done today. This afternoon at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all of her change and she only had just under £10 I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
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Nice one crystal.
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This appeared in the Washington Post - the title of their news story was, "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County Police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor "I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... Pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? F**k me, is it midnight already?" |
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CLASSIFIED AD
CARPENTERS URGENTLY REQUIRED Cabinet falling apart. Apply in person 10 Downing Street, no tools required the building is already full of them. |
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna 's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. |
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day .
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for life . Promise a man someone else's fish and he will vote Labour. |
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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare. "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Home pride-Self Raising isn't it?" And thus began Walter's life of celibacy. |
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It Snowed Last Night..
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive. 8:37 - Accused of using black face on the snowman...snowpersons. 8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 - TV news crew from the BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. 9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media. 10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman... Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes. |
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Theresa May is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Theresa in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur....... "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving; go and tell the farmer," says Theresa. Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Theresa. The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Theresa. "I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them.... "I'm Theresa May's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow." |
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In the late 1960s, Michael Caine was approached by Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek, Robby Krieger, John Densmore. The idea was that they all wanted 0ral sex from his wife and offered an outrageous sum of money to do so.
Caine obliged. When all was set and done Michael Caine walked in to collect his dough and noticed Mick Jagger and Keith Richards stripped to their ankles as well. Caine turned to his wife and yelled, “you were only supposed to blow the bl00dy doors off!” |
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Jesus is walking through the streets of Jerusalem, he gets into the main square where a crowd have gathered to stone an adulteress to death ..
Before the stoning starts Jesus quickly stands between the mob and the woman, arms spread wide he says . "They whom are without sin cast the first stone ". Suddenly a huge rock comes flying out the crowd and hits the woman right between eyes, blood spurting everywhere. Jesus says to the woman who threw it , "you know you can be a right smug pain in the @rse sometimes mother" Bernard m |
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My wife joined the police once, but failed her training .
It was all going well until it got to the arrest procedure, she just couldn't understand the concept of the right to remain silent . |
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Looks like Theresa May's only hope of avoiding the 48 letter no-confidence threshold could be asking Diane Abbot to do a recount.
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A tough old miner stomps into a saloon in the Yukon, slaps a big gold nugget on the bar and asks for 2 bottles of beer and the roughest, toughest **** they have.
The bars man smiles and says "You'll be wanting big Mary then, upstairs last door on the right" as he puts 2 bottles on the bar.So the miner picks up the beer bottles and heads up stairs. He opens the last door and says "I'm looking for big Mary", "well you found her sugar" replies the big blonds lying on the bed. He puts down the two bottles of beer as she stands, bends over with her backside facing him and grabs her ankles. "Who the hell said I wanna do it that way" he shouts, Mary says "well I thought you might want to take the lids off those beer bottles before we get started" |
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I started a business selling Japanese bonsai trees it's been so successful I've had to move to smaller premises
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WANTED:
Retired hit man must be discreet. Cash only. Phone 07854343421 Ask for 'Phil' |
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Bonsai-
 thats a keeper. |
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They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic but so far I’ve made 2 jugs and a vase!
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In the car, I said to my wife, “You’ve been driving this haven’t you?”
She said, “How do you know?” I said, “Because the clutch is knackered.” She said, “Don’t blame me, I never use it. |
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If 2x2 makes 4
3x3 makes 9, how come 0x0 makes gravy. |
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Adam calls into God's office and sees him on a drawing board. What are you doing,says Adam. Have a look,says God,give me one of your ribs and you can have a mate down there. Can't you give her long blonde hair,longer legs and a pretty face,says Adam. God replied,nay lad,that'll cost you an arm and a leg ,son !
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It's that cold I've just seen a Romanian with his hands in his own pockets.
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"So this is Christmas, and what have you done?"
The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument? |
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All you poor saps telling me to take down the christmas decorations all year.
Well who is laughing now? |
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Old Mrs Smith goes to her GP with an embarrassing problem
“ I keep passing wind doctor. It’s completely silent and completely odourless but it’s very uncomfortable, I’ve actually done it ten times since coming to the surgery!” The doctor examines her and gives her a prescription “ Come back and see me in a week “ Mrs Smith returns, even more embarrassed, a week later “I don’t know what was in those tablets you gave me doctor but they’ve made me worse, I’m still passing wind all the time but now it absolutely stinks!” “Right “says the doctor ......”that’s your sinus problem sorted, now let’s have a go at your hearing shall we? |
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I rode to the off license yesterday on my pushbike, I bought a bottle of vodka and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought for a moment, if I fell off the bicycle the bottle would fall out of the basket and break. To avoid that, I drank some of the vodka, at least if I fell off, all the vodka wouldn't be wasted. Then I fell off, luckily the bottle didn't break, so thought better drink the rest. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike another seven times before I got home. |
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Why is the views counter stuck.
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Mark Knopfler comes home carrying a large picture frame and a bag of chips.
His missus says " What've you been up to?" He replies.."I was at the Auction House and got a rare French Impressionist painting and I got you something from the chippy on the way home" "How much have spent this time?" "F*ck all" says Mark.."I got the Monet for nothing and the chips for free" |
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Elton John gave my mate a lift from Dublin half way across Ireland,
So my mate gave him £100. I thought WTF ...that's a long way to tip a fairy. |
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If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please. |
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Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall,super hot and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight for the bedroom. Jill cant help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are some small teddy bears. On the middle are medium sized teddy bears, and finally on the top are some large teddy bears, all lined up neatly beside each other.
Jill begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she wants to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a bl0wj0b and let's him give it to her really hard and even takes it in the rear. In the morning she slowly gets dressed and smiles at him and asks "How was that ?" He nods and says "Not too fxxking bad at all. Help yourself to a prize off the second shelf !" |
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a guy lost his legs and he soon became a low down bum around the town he lived in
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I've got an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny...
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Before you laugh at children who believe in Father Christmas, remember, there are adults who still believe in Jose Mourinho...
It's all about timing.  |
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Harry Redknapp is reportedly earning £500,000 for his appearance on I’m A Celebrity which after tax works out as £500,000
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